


Losing our Heart’s Desire

by Kleineganz



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Rough Sex, Slow Burn, Trauma, Wedding Fluff, Wedding Night, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-03-30 06:32:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3926437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kleineganz/pseuds/Kleineganz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris receives a letter from Varric, informing him of Hawke's sacrifice in the Fade. Anders was no longer protected. It was time to finally put an end to the abomination. What Fenris finds when he catches up with the apostate throws all his plans for a loop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> The character death (Hawke) shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who's played Inquisition, but I added the flag just-in-case. Also I will get rather detailed into the abuses Fenris and Anders suffered in their pasts, which will lead to the rape/non-con flag being required.

_“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”_ _―_ George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

 

 

Fenris thought he’d moved past his feelings for Hawke years ago. He’d walked out on Hawke, scared of the feelings and memories spending that one night with the man had evoked. He couldn't blame anyone but himself for Hawke turning to Anders after that. Anders had helped fill the void and mend the heart that Fenris had broken.

For years Fenris pushed away his thoughts and feelings for Hawke, knowing he could never have him back, not in that way. He’d done too much damage and Hawke had fallen too deep for Anders for it to matter anyway.

Since fleeing Kirkwall, the only feeling for Hawke he allowed himself to feel was betrayal. Betrayal for not heeding his warnings about Anders. Betrayal for sparing Anders life, despite the atrocity he had wrought. Betrayal for daring to fall in love with not only someone else, but with the very man he now hated more than anything.

However, despite all that, and perhaps even because of it, when the letter from Varric came, Fenris collapsed onto the ground and let out a long, tormented wail.

 

 _Dear_ _~~Broody~~ _ _Fenris,_

_I hate to have to write this. Damn, this is probably the hardest thing I’ll ever have to write._

_Hawke is dead._

_He sacrificed himself in order to save the Inquisitor and some Warden named Alistair when they were trapped in the Fade. It was his way for atoning for not having put down Corypheus permanently years ago._

_Hope you’re taking care of yourself, write back if you need anything._

_Varric_

Hawke was dead?! How could Hawke be dead? The Champion of Kirkwall … the man who single-handedly took out the Arishok!? No … no … no!

Fenris felt his heart shatter into pieces, tears streaming down his face, his body wracked with sobs. Despite everything. Despite being the one to leave and break Hawke’s heart. Despite the fact that Hawke had spared that blasted mage … Fenris had still loved that crazy, foolish man.

Fenris took a deep shuddering breath. The mage … Anders. Where had he been? Why hadn’t he been there to help Hawke? Why hadn’t he also been sacrificed to the Fade? Was he still cowering somewhere safe? The last time Fenris had seen Hawke and Anders, they had been inseparable.

The Inquisition. Hawke must have not wanted to risk Anders being arrested and left him in hiding. Although, why had Hawke come out of hiding to aid them? Just because of Corypheus? That seemed like a foolish risk … and of course, Hawke was known for taking foolish risks.

However, now that Hawke was gone, Anders was left unprotected. Right then and there Fenris resolved to hunt down Anders. Fenris would see to it that Anders got exactly what he deserved.

***

Anders spent days sobbing over the news about Hawke. He couldn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep and Justice was unrelenting about some misguided idea of avenging Hawke’s death. That somehow an injustice had been done to let him sacrifice himself for the Inquisition. Having lived with a Fade spirit within him all these years hadn't been easy, and Justice had driven him to do things he would never have even thought to do on his own.

However, Anders mostly ignored Justice these days, having learned how to block out the Spirit’s thoughts over the years, especially after they blew up the Kirkwall Chantry. For Anders, that had been the last straw. Now all he wanted to do was rid himself of this Spirit that was trapped inside him.

Anders knew he’d been living on borrowed time. He had fully expected to die after blowing up the Chantry in Kirkwall and when he didn’t … he didn’t know what to do with himself. If it hadn't been for Hawke, he would have had no purpose or direction. Living for Hawke became his purpose. Whatever Justice wanted was irrelevant.

They had been on the run for months, always on the move, never staying in one place too long. Then the first  letter from Varric came, asking Hawke to come to Skyhold. Corypheus had returned and Hawke had to make it right. Anders begged and pleaded Hawke not to go, but in the end resigned himself to waiting at their latest hideaway for him. Hawke promised he’d be back soon. He promised!

Now Hawke was gone. He wasn’t ever going to come back. Anders had lost his only purpose for living.

It wasn’t until he’d completely cried himself out that he had the courage to re-read the letter from Varric, and contemplated its contents again. Hawke had been physically in the Fade? How was that even possible? Perhaps he was still alive? A sudden swell of hope blossomed in the mage’s bosom, and he set to work.

Anders immediately took out every lyrium potion he had and downed one, and began to cast the spell needed to get himself into the Fade through dreams. He wasn't a Somniari, so he had to rely on other ways into the Fade. If Hawke still lived, he was determined to find him, or die trying. This was Anders’ new purpose.

Anders spent weeks searching the Fade, only to come out long enough to try and eat something and perhaps catch some real sleep when he felt his mortal body falter. Over time, between his dwindling supply of lyrium he required to recast the spell, and Anders’ obsession with finding Hawke, drove him to spend longer and longer periods in the Fade, barely allowing himself to come out long enough to drink water. He was allowing himself to waste away in his quest to find the man he loved.

Finally, Anders was down to a single vial of refined lyrium. Once he was out, he wouldn't be able to return to the Fade again. Anders resigned himself that this time … he would remain in the Fade. He would keep searching, even after his body had withered and died in the real world. He would never stop searching.

Anders unstoppered the vial and drank it, summoning his Fade spell for the final time, and said goodbye to the world around him. Perhaps for the final time.

It was in this state that Fenris finally found him, several days later.

 


	2. Bitter Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finally tracks down Anders, and is shocked at the state he finds the mage in.

Fenris approached the hut where he had discovered Anders was staying. He was filled with trepidation over his imminent reunion. It had been a long time since he’d seen the mage. Not since he’d left Hawke’s side after they all fled Kirkwall. Fenris couldn’t remain with Hawke after Kirkwall. His anger and feelings of betrayal cut too deep. So he just left.

While Fenris had been hunting for Anders, he had been dreaming of plunging his hand into Anders chest, squeezing the life out of the heart of that _sanctimonious mage_. Now he was very close to completing that goal, and he felt a conflict of emotions run through him.

Fenris thought bitterly back to all the fights he’d had with Anders over the years. The endless litany of the plight of mages he’d had to endure. Losing Hawke to Anders had nearly broken him and yet he’d remained. He watched Hawke spare Anders’ life and remain steadfast at the mage’s side, even after all that Anders had done. Even after all the suffering and death the mage had caused.

Now Hawke was dead. Something else the mage could have … should have prevented, but obviously didn’t. Where was the justice in anything Anders had wrought?

Yet, Fenris also remembered the endless hours that Anders had selflessly given to the poor of Darktown, healing anyone that required it, comforting family and friends when there was nothing he could do, risking his life and freedom in order to save just one more person, despite always being at risk of discovery by the Templars. Fenris was always loathe to admit, but part of him had admired Anders’ selfless determination to help the poor and downtrodden.

Finally. Fenris stood outside of the door to the hut and took a deep steadying breath, and drew his sword. He then slammed open the door, hoping to catch Anders off-guard. If he was lucky, he could subdue the mage quickly.

What Fenris saw after storming into the hut caught him completely off-guard.

In the middle of the hut sat a man, cross legged. He was surrounded by a magical glyph on the floor that Fenris was rightfully wary of. The man looked gaunt and sickly. His skin looked pale and clammy, his cheeks were hollowed out, and there were deep, dark circles under his eyes. His hair was long and unwashed and unkempt. His face was unshaven, covered in a long, unkempt beard. He was only dressed in breeches and little else, and his ribs were easily visible, he was barely skin and bones.

At first Fenris didn’t recognize the figure before him, until he noted a couple of familiar scars.

“Anders?” Fenris asked, tentatively. No response.

Whatever bitter rage Fenris had moments before seemed to disappear, as he lowered his sword. He couldn’t kill whatever this pathetic creature was before him. Clearly Anders had stopped caring for himself, probably because of the loss of Hawke. Anders clearly had suffered at his loss, far more so than Fenris had. It seemed almost like Anders was purposely starving himself to death.

“Mage?” Fenris asked again, after many long minutes. “Anders?” Still no response.

Fenris knew better than to step on the glyph, so he reached out with his long sword to nudge at the mage, trying not to injure. No response.

Clearly Anders was under some spell of his own making and Fenris didn’t have the ability to break it. So he waited, hoping the mage would eventually come out of whatever spell he’d cast. While he waited Fenris gathered firewood and stoked a fire in the hearth and and was grateful to find a stash of wine, one of Hawke’s favorite vintages.

Several hours later and Anders still hadn’t stirred. Fenris had drained the bottle of wine he had opened and was beginning to doze in the chair he’d been sitting in. He had tried a few more times to rouse the mage unsuccessfully and decided to leave it until morning. He staggered over to the bed in the opposite corner of the hut, and collapsed onto it, asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, Fenris awoke from a dream about Hawke, and felt disoriented as he could smell Hawke around him until he realized where he was, and why the bed he was in smelled so much like his old friend. Then Fenris remembered why he was there and tears welled in his eyes again and he couldn’t help but let out a sob.

Fenris allowed himself a moment to grieve again for his lost friend before composing himself and getting up. He went to the wash basin and splashed his face with water and then saw to the mage, who was still sitting where he had been the day before, although the glyph now appeared to be gone, the magic having faded in the night. If his magic was fading, it meant the mage was likely close to death.

Fenris didn’t know what came over him, but he was overwhelmed by the need to rouse Anders, to keep him from slipping away. Fenris suddenly realized he really didn’t want Anders to die as well, despite how often he had imagined killing him. At the very least, he didn’t want him to die _like this_.

Fenris knelt in front of the mage and grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him. “Wake up, mage!” Fenris said hoarsely. “ **ANDERS! WAKE UP!** ” Fenris shook Anders more violently and slowly the mage began to come to, blinking his eyes, focusing them.

Anders looked at Fenris and whispered hoarsely “ _you!_ ” before slumping to the floor, passing out from exhaustion.

“Damn mage, always letting yourself waste away when Hawke isn’t here to take care of you.” Fenris grumbled.

Fenris picked up Anders in his arms, shocked by how little he weighed, the smell of unwashed mage assaulting his nose. He carried Anders over to the bed and went to fetch a cup of water. He then lifted a cup of water to Anders' lips, hoping to get him to drink. Reflexively the mage swallowed the bit of water that made it into his mouth, but most spilled out.

Fenris then went to heat water and filled the wash basin, taking clean cloths he proceeded to try and wash Anders as best he could. If asked, he wouldn’t be able to explain why he felt the need to do so. In some ways he just felt the need to do _something_.

Once he’d cleaned as much of the Mage as he could, and removed his befouled breeches. Fenris wrapped the mage in blankets and decided for now, to let the mage rest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments so far. Please keep them coming! Feedback and constructive critiques are also always welcome.


	3. A Wolf Turned Nightingale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finds himself taking care of his most hated rival.

Hours later, Anders finally awakened again. Fenris was sitting in a chair by the bed, just watching him.

Anders looked at the warrior in confusion, and then realized he was in the bed, instead of still sitting on the floor, where he had been for the past several weeks. He then remembered being pulled back out of the Fade by Fenris, who had been shouting at him to wake up.

The mage’s look of confusion changed to anger when he remembered he was out of lyrium, and so he could no longer return to the Fade to continue his search.

“Wh- what are you doing here?!” Anders asked angrily, his voice barely a hoarse whisper from weeks of disuse. “Why did you pull me back from the Fade?! That was my last chance to find him!”

Fenris prickled in response, their old rivalry flaring his anger, his former sympathy temporarily forgotten. He stood and glowered down at the mage.

“I came to finally do away with you mage, now that Hawke can no longer protect you,” Fenris responded bitterly. “I came to serve you the _justice_ you so rightly deserve!” Fenris turned away, unable to look at the mage.

“Then why didn’t you? Why pull me from the Fade at all? You could have just as easily lopped my head off or ripped the heart from my chest without bringing me back. Why couldn’t you just leave me there?!” Anders shouted hoarsely before crumpling into a weeping mess.

Fenris took a deep breath and looked at Anders again, slumping back into the chair. “I … I couldn’t. After I saw what you had wasted away to, I couldn’t. Why were you even in the Fade?”

“I’ve been looking for Hawke,” Anders replied, sniffling. “The Fade is so Maker-damned large it takes forever to search…”

“Hawke is dead. You can’t bring him back.”

“He was physically in the Fade when the Inquisitor left him behind. He could have survived and gotten trapped there. If I can find him, I can help him get back out,” Anders said weakly.

“Physically? How is that possible?” Fenris asked, bewildered.

“Maker if I know. I just know that’s what Varric told me in his letter,” Anders said, and then looked up at Fenris. “I had to try … if there was a way to save him … after all the times he saved me.”

“One too many times, by my count,” Fenris growled.

“I know,” Anders replied softly.

Fenris sighed, getting up. He went to build up the fire in the hearth again and then helped Anders sit up, giving him a fresh cup of water. Anders drank down greedily, his hands shaking as they tried to hold the cup. Fenris then set to work to make a quick pot of porridge.

When Fenris handed him the  bowl of porridge, Anders nearly dropped the bowl in his weakened state and Fenris resigned himself to feeding the mage, sitting himself next to him on the bed.

Anders looked at Fenris curiously. “Why are you doing this?” he asked hoarsely.

“Doing what?” Fenris asked.

“Being nice to me.”

“I don’t know. Now eat,” Fenris growled, holding up a spoon of porridge to Anders mouth, who sighed and opened to accept the food being offered. After he’d eaten as much as he could stomach, Fenris helped him lie back down and tucked him in again.

Anders took a deep breath and tears began to well in his eyes. “The bed still smells like Hawke. Oh Maker, what am I going to do without him?”

Anders curled up into a fetal position and began to sob. Seeing Anders break down, pushed Fenris over the edge and he began to weep again as well. Out of pure instinct, Fenris crawled into the bed next to the mage and curled himself around him, holding him. Anders turned and clung to Fenris … just needing the comforting feeling of being wrapped in someone’s … anyone’s … arms, as he poured out his grief.

Once they had cried themselves out, they lay quietly for a time before Fenris took a deep breath and sat up, wiping his eyes, feeling embarrassed at having lost his emotional control in the presence of the mage. Anders looked at him in confusion, but said nothing.

Fenris got up and tucked Anders back into his blankets and bade him to get some rest. He then wandered back over to the hearth and just stared into the flames for several hours, while emptying another bottle of wine.

Why was he being so nice to the mage? He certainly had no reason to. Up until he actually saw Anders again, he had been filled with hate and loathing for the man. Fenris still hated the actions that Anders had undertaken in Kirkwall, everything from the mage underground and his damnable manifesto, to the utter finality of blowing up the Chantry.

However, seeing Anders in such a state of extreme malnourishment, clearly suffering, reduced to a barely living pile of skin and bones, Fenris’ hate seemed to have just melted away. He wasn’t sure what he felt for the mage now. Pity? Sympathy?

Also, something about taking care of the mage seemed to feel right … as if it were a way to honor Hawke’s memory. Almost like taking care of a beloved pet after a loved one passed away. In a way, it also felt like doing a penance for having hurt the man, and in the process himself, so many years ago.

***

Over the next several weeks, Fenris continued to care for Anders, making sure he ate and slept, helping him bathe, even cleaning out his chamber pot. While Anders rested during the day, Fenris would go out hunting in the forest surrounding the hut in order to make sure they had food.

Fenris had learned many survival techniques after escaping his former master. The Fog Warriors on Seheron taught him much, and he picked up other things along the way while he was on the run. He’d learned how to hunt, skin even basic cooking. He also knew which plants growing wild were edible. While he was no healer, he knew the medicinal benefit of several plants as well, and knew how to make some basic poultices.

As far as cooking went, the fare he made was simple, but Anders’ body couldn’t have taken to anything more complicated anyway.

Why Fenris stayed after Anders life was out of danger, he couldn’t have said other than perhaps some continued need to remain connected to Hawke in some way. Being in Anders presence, sharing the grief of their mutual loss, made Fenris feel closer to Hawke than he had in years.

And so, Fenris stayed.


	4. Getting to Know You - Fenris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Anders finally talk to each other. Anders listens to Fenris' story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter. I go into detail about Fenris' past.

One afternoon Fenris noticed that the leaves on the trees had begun to turn color, and he realized he’d been here with Anders for nearly 3 months now. He wandered over to the bed where Anders was taking his now customary afternoon nap, and sat himself on the edge of the bed, watching the mage sleep.

All this time and they hadn’t really talked much. Anders was still weak from his ordeal and still resentful of Fenris for pulling him back from the Fade. It was clear that Anders had resigned himself to let his body die so he could continue to search the Fade for Hawke, and he clearly didn’t want to talk about it.

While the grief was still fresh, they couldn’t talk about Hawke either, and all their old arguments were meaningless now, in the wake of the Circles of Magi falling and the Templars all but disbanding. If they talked at all it was about the current weather or if Fenris had put enough seasoning or not into that day’s meal.

Fenris studied the mage as he sat next to him. Anders was looking much improved from when he’d first seen him. His skin was no longer deathly pale, and a slight rosy quality had come back to his cheeks. They were no longer quite as sunken as they had been and the dark circles under the eyes were less intense now. Anders was still frightfully thin, but no longer the pile of skin and bones as he had been either. He still sported his beard, not having bothered to trim or shave it, and his blonde hair had grown long, reaching well past his shoulders.

Fenris reached out to casually brush some of Anders' hair away from his forehead when Anders woke with a start, causing Fenris to withdraw his hand.

“Apologies, I had not meant to wake you,” Fenris said.

Anders regarded him for a moment and then reached out for the hand that had just been touching him, and held it in his own. “I don’t mind. I actually find your touch … comforting,” Anders admitted.

Anders sat up, regarding Fenris. He had been angry at Fenris for pulling him back from the Fade, angry that Fenris hadn’t just let him die … or better yet, just killed him. When he couldn’t find Hawke in the Fade, all Anders wanted to do was die, to be back at Hawke’s side again.

Little by little, over the past several weeks Anders began to come to terms with the fact that Fenris had actually saved his life. Fenris … the broody ex-slave who had threatened to kill him countless times. The only reason he could think of that Fenris would not only spare him, but save him was because of Hawke. He knew that Fenris had loved Hawke once. Perhaps he still did. They both grieved at his passing. Somehow having someone to share that grief with, even with someone like Fenris, made the grief more bearable.

Anders looked at Fenris, and squeezed his hand, taking a deep breath. “Fenris, I … I need to thank you. I know I’ve been an irritable bastard since you pulled me back from the Fade but … I want you to know I am grateful to you for saving my life that day.”

Fenris didn’t know how to respond, and so just squeezed Anders’ hand, looking away, unsure of the conflicting well of emotions a simple ‘thank you’ evoked. Even after all this time, his emotions were still raw from grief.

Anders continued, “I know you originally came here to kill me. We’ve been at each other’s throats for so long. We’ll never truly see eye-to-eye on … so many things. However, I know we have at least one thing we can agree that we have in common … our love for Hawke, and our grief over his loss.”

Fenris looked back at Anders, both of them had tears welling in their eyes again.

Anders took a deep, steadying breath. “Maybe … we could build on that? I … would really like it if we could talk. Really talk. I don’t think either one of us ever really listened to each other when we were bickering back in Kirkwall. There were so many things we kept trying to tell each other back then. I want to listen now. I owe you that much at least. Will you? Will you try again to tell me what you went through and what caused you to hate mages and magic so much?”

Fenris shifted uncomfortably, unsure he wanted to dredge up those memories again.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to, but I remember there was a time you had wanted to tell me, and I just wouldn’t listen. I’m willing to listen now,” Anders stated, softly.

“Are you sure you’re willing to listen? Without judgement? Without comparing it to the ‘plight of mages’?” Fenris asked, with a faint growl.

“Yes, Fenris. I’m willing to just listen,” Anders agreed “… I will hold back on any judgements or comparisons, as long as you then let me share what I wanted to tell you as well. I’ll let you come to your own conclusions after that.”

“Agreed.” Fenris said simply.

Fenris let out a long, steadying breath, and made himself more comfortable, crawling up on the bed and sitting cross-legged opposite Anders. He half-thought of getting some wine to steady his nerves, but he knew that could lead to trouble. Fenris knew he could be an angry drunk, especially when he thought back on his past.

Fenris began. “My earliest memories are of pain. Excruciating, burning, blinding, white-hot pain. Before that memory there is little else but darkness. Danarius was there, as was Hadriana, and one other, a healer. Danarius was carefully carving these intricate patterns into my flesh, then grafting the pure lyrium into it with some sort of spell.”

Anders knew this part of his story, although Fenris had never described it in any great detail before.

“As the lyrium was being grafted, the healer was healing the skin around the graft, helping it take, but not removing the pain whatsoever,” Fenris said, wincing at the memory.

“How is that possible? All healing magic I know of always helps to remove pain while healing the injury,” Anders asked, wide-eyed in surprise.

“I do not know, all I know is that the Magisters in Tevinter have found ways to heal, without removing pain. It’s how they are able to leave their slaves unscarred, while still inflicting brutal punishments,” Fenris responded, bitterly. “Hadriana excelled at that, she loved mutilating my flesh, healing away the evidence, but leaving behind the pain and agony. I made the mistake once of telling Danarius of it, and it was all the worse for me the next time I was left alone with her.”

Anders knew Fenris had been tortured as a slave, but to hear the details made it seem far more real and he was surprised to feel his heart ache in sympathy for Fenris. Without thinking he reached out and took Fenris hand, and just held it.

Fenris at first wanted to flinch and pull away, but he didn’t. He found the mage’s touch oddly comforting and it helped him steady his breathing and push back the panic he felt when recalling these memories.

“Danarius’ original purpose for me was to be his bodyguard, to intimidate his rivals and to protect him whenever he ventured out of his estate, especially when we were on his estate in Seheron. I was taught how to fight, specifically against Qunari, and part of my daily regimen was to exercise and practice my fighting skills. I may be a ‘living weapon,’ but I’m useless when I’m out of shape,” Fenris confessed. “Danarius already had an entire contingent of body slaves to satisfy his perverted lusts, but when he saw the final result of the lyrium markings on my skin, with my hair turned white, he couldn’t keep his hands off me.”

Fenris began to fidget uncomfortably recalling the next part, rubbing a hand nervously across the back of his neck. Anders squeezed the hand he held lightly, trying to give Fenris reassurance, and Fenris relaxed a bit at that, his connection to Anders keeping him oddly grounded.

“At first it was just light touching, ‘admiring his work’ he said. It eventually led to fondling and then finally one night he summoned me to his quarters, and raped me. That first time I was surprised and not pliant and he had to use magic to restrain me. I was punished severely for resisting, first beaten to within an inch of my life, healed to prevent scars but left with the pain, and then left in solitary confinement for a week with no food and little water.” Fenris shuddered at the memory, keeping himself focused on the touch of Anders’ hand in his.

Anders began to rub soothing circles with his thumb on Fenris’ hand. “Breathe, Fenris,” Anders said, noting the rise of panic in Fenris’ eyes. “You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to, I get the picture.”

Fenris took another deep breath and centered himself. He looked at Anders. Now that he had begun to talk about it, he felt a need to continue. “No … I … I need to talk about this. I’ve never told anyone all of this … not even Hawke.”

Anders nodded and let Fenris continue.

“After that, I’d learned to be more pliant to Danarius’ whims, even fooling myself into thinking I enjoyed it, and that Danarius must love me to desire me so. Eventually he did away with all of his other body slaves and I came to sleep in his chambers every night. I had a straw pallet to sleep on at the foot of his bed, except for nights when he decided to keep me in bed with him … after. I came to crave the nights we … ‘cuddled’ and I got to enjoy the comfortable bed with the silk sheets. It made me feel special. It even made me feel … loved.” Fenris spat out the last word with disgust.

“That wasn’t even the height of his depravity. A year after I’d received my markings, instead of being Danarius’ fierce, intimidating bodyguard at parties, I was being bartered by him for sex. He would trade sexual favors for political manipulation, allowing other members of the Magisterium to … use me.” Fenris began to coil into himself before continuing, gripping Anders’ hand more tightly, “one of the last parties he held in Minrathous before we headed for his Seheron estate that last time was the worst. He’d had a special table and harness constructed and had me brought out and stripped before his guests, then I was forced onto this table and secured to it. The entire purpose of this table was to allow up to 3 people to use me at once. He even used a spell to silence my vocal chords so I couldn’t even scream. His guests were allowed to indulge their basest fetishes with me … spanking, strangulation and worse. I kept passing out and Danarius kept reviving me, forcing me to endure everything.”

Fenris shuddered again, and then breathed a sigh of relief, glad to have gotten past the worst of his story. “So you can see, how those experiences colored my view of all mages for many years. I thought all mages wanted were to rape and abuse, to control and use without regard for anyone else. That’s all I knew of from mages in Tevinter and it made me fear mages in general.”

Fenris looked at Anders, ready to hear him argue the point that not all mages were the same, but the mage kept silent, keeping his promise. There was even a sad look of sympathy in his eyes, which made Fenris look away with embarrassment.

“The rest of my story, I believe you know … how the Qunari attacked soon after we arrived on Serehon, and how Danarius was forced to leave me behind and flee for his life because the ship captain refuse to allow slaves aboard. If it hadn’t been for the Fog Warriors taking me in, I wouldn’t have lasted a week with the Qunari attack,” said Fenris. “The Fog Warriors taught me many things, including what it meant to be free. Then when Danarius actually found me again, I couldn't believe he … he was still able to control me, to make me murder all those people, people who had been my … friends.” Fenris’ voice cracked, tears began to fall from his eyes, his emotions getting the best of him again.

“Once I came to my senses and I saw what Danarius made me do, something finally broke inside me. Whatever hold Danarius had over me was gone … and I ran. For three years I ran until I made it to Kirkwall and found Hawke … and all the rest of you.”

Fenris was openly weeping now. It felt oddly freeing to share all that with someone else. Someone who, he knew deep down, actually understood. For years Fenris deluded himself into thinking that no mage could ever understand what he had endured. Southern mages weren’t treated like slaves … were they? Yet, he knew in many ways, they were, although he’d always been loathe to admit it.

Anders drew Fenris into an embrace, just holding him, rubbing small circles on his back, trying to comfort. Fenris took several steadying breaths and then sat back, wiping his face with the back of his hand. They both regarded each other silently for a moment, Anders still holding Fenris’ hand.

“Thank you Fenris. I knew that was difficult for you to tell me that. I’m glad you finally did. I’m also glad I was finally ready to listen. I’m so sorry for what you had to endure. I hope you can find some way to move past it, now that you’ve had a chance to share it with someone,” Anders said, reassuringly. “Perhaps you’ll even allow me to help you move past it ...”

“Perhaps,” Fenris replied. “Some days I still can’t believe I am free of that life. Hadriana is dead. Danarius is dead. Yet, this ‘freedom’ has never felt like it should. This ‘freedom’ has always tasted like ashes.” Fenris growled.

“I always thought it tasted like chicken,” Anders quipped with a wink, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yes, joke. That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it,” Fenris growled, and then sighed. “You are not responsible for my misery. Why am I angry at you?”

“We’ve never exactly been friends, Fenris,” Anders replied.

“Yet, I’ve come to respect you, mage,” Fenris admitted, “despite everything that happened. Perhaps it’s time I leave this hatred behind. It’s poison, yet I continue to swallow it. There is no one left to blame.”

“You don’t have to go through this alone,” Anders said, softly.

“Don’t I?” Fenris asked looking at Anders quizzically.

“No, you don’t. I find I quite enjoy your company, now that we’re no longer trying to kill each other. Perhaps … one day … we may even become friends?” Anders asked tentatively. In his mind, Anders was beginning to realize he might even want to be more than friends, but … after all Fenris just told him, he didn’t hold out any hope of that happening. He decided he’d be content with just being friends with Fenris, if that kept him in his life.

“Perhaps,” Fenris said, with a quirked smile on his face, squeezing Anders’ hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who thinks it might be too fast for Anders to have developed any sort of feelings for Fenris, my take on it is that Fenris not only saved Anders' life, but has been taking care of him for over 3 months now. Anders hasn't had anyone take care of him like this in a long time (if ever), and it's because of this that he initially starts to develop some feelings for his caregiver (in this case, Fenris). As they spend time getting to really know each other, this initial feeling starts to eventually blossom into something more (but of course, this being Anders and Fenris, stubborn fools that they are, they take awhile longer before they can even acknowledge it to each other).


	5. Getting to Know You - Anders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders shares his past with Fenris, and Fenris begins to realize just how much the two of them actually have in common.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another trigger warning chapter, this time going into Anders' past abuses.

Anders sat in the bed next to Fenris and regarded the beautiful, lyrium-lined elf for a moment before speaking again. He noted the tiniest of blushes creep into the tips of Fenris’ ears and Anders looked away.

“Alright, I think part of our bargain was for you to also listen to my story, but I think perhaps we should have dinner first, what do you say? I’ll even help. I’m glad I’m finally feeling stronger again,” said Anders.

They both got up and worked together to prepare a meal for themselves in the kitchen. Fenris had caught some fish earlier and he began to roast them in the hearth, while Anders busied himself making a salad with some of the wild greens Fenris had also gathered. Soon they were seated at the table, sharing the meal and a bottle of wine. They spoke little. Anders contemplated what he needed to tell Fenris, and Fenris was still processing how grounded Anders had made him feel as he was sharing even the most painful parts of his story.

After they’d finished their meal and cleaned up, they moved their chairs over to the hearth, facing each other, close enough for knees to touch. They brought the unfinished bottle of wine with them.

Anders took a deep breath. “So, Fenris, are you ready to hear my story?”

“Yes, you kept your end of the bargain and listened to mine without judgement. I owe you the same courtesy.”

“Well, my earliest memories are a bit more pleasant than yours, although that has always been part of the problem for me,” Anders began. “My magic didn’t manifest until I was twelve. Most mages manifest their magic much younger and so when they are brought to the Circle, they rarely even remember their families. The Circle becomes their family and that’s why so many mages simply accepted being there.”

Anders took a sip of wine, it was his turn to be pensive, and this time Fenris offered his hand in comfort, and Anders leaned forward to take it.

“I have lots of memories of my family … growing up on a farm in the Anderfels with my brothers and sisters. We had a good life there and I looked forward to helping my parents run the farm when I was older” Anders reminisced.

Fenris felt a pang of jealousy. He knew about his sister and his mother now, but still couldn’t recall any childhood memories other the one flash he had when he saw his sister again in Kirkwall.

“Then, one day I was working in the barn and a horse spooked and nearly kicked my face in. I was terrified and I released a fireball. I nearly burnt the entire barn down.”

Fenris smirked at the thought of a young Anders, unable to control his powers. The Anders he’d always known had very good control of his magic, more so than many mages he’d met outside of Tevinter.

“Smirk all you want Fenris, I was terrified and my father more so. He immediately alerted the Templars and had me hauled off in chains the next day, kicking and screaming. The only thing they’d let me keep was that embroidered pillow from my mother,” Anders said seriously. “Since I was twice as old as most new mages, they were pretty sure I’d never make it to my Harrowing, that I was doomed to be made tranquil from the start.”

“Did they tell you that? That you were most likely going to be made Tranquil?” asked Fenris.

“Yeah, they did. They practically taunted me with it. It’s what made me run away the first time. I had been in the circle for maybe a year at that point. I didn’t know Ferelden at all since I was dragged there all the way from the Anderfels, and I got caught pretty quickly the first time,” Anders admitted. “The thought of being made Tranquil was terrifying to say the least. I think it was my worst fear and unfortunately I let them know it. It made it all the worse for me later on.”

“Yes, the mere threat of something you fear can be enough to control a person, I know that all too well,” Fenris said sympathetically, squeezing Anders hand.

“Where was I? Oh yes, so I was dragged away in chains and for some reason they decided to ship me to Ferelden instead of the Circle in the Anderfels,” Anders continued, “When I arrived, I didn’t speak a word of Trade or Ferelden, so I just kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything at all. I wouldn’t tell them my name, so they just began to refer to me as Anders.”

“Your real name isn’t Anders?” Fenris asked in surprise.

“No, it’s not. I’ve never told anyone my real name. I prefer Anders now. Who I was when I had that other name, died the day they dragged me away in chains,” Anders said with a sad sigh.

Fenris felt more sympathy for Anders. What was worse? Being able to remember a different life before being locked away, or to have it torn from your memory so you are ignorant of who you were before? He honestly wasn’t sure anymore...

“As soon as I was deposited at the Circle, the first thing they did was was drag me into the basement of the tower. They stripped me of my clothing, did a full body cavity search … yes it is exactly what it sounds like … and they were not at all gentle about it either. I think the Templar who was conducting the ‘search’ was enjoying it far too much,” Anders said with a shiver. “Then they tied me down to a stone table, using magic suppression manacles, and sliced open my arm to collect my blood for my phylactery. I screamed so much they had to gag me.”

“You were merely a child, how could they do that?” Fenris asked rhetorically, in disbelief.

Anders squeezed Fenris’ hand. He could have said an ‘I told you so’ but kept silent. He’d promised not to judge or compare, just share. Talk and listen.

“I was assigned to study with Senior Enchanter Wynne, who taught me the Trade tongue as well as how to control my magic. She also is the one who helped me discover my affinity for healing and recognized I was a Spirit Healer, like herself. Spirit Healers are rare, and I think that is ultimately saved me from being made tranquil, although I didn’t know it at the time,” Anders admitted.

“The fact I remembered what it was like to be free, what it was like not to be locked away in a Circle tower, is what led to me getting into trouble … frequently,” admitted Anders, “and some of the Templars started to take more notice as I got older.”

“What kind of notice?” Fenris asked

“The kind of notice a 14-year-old shouldn’t have to worry about,” Anders responded, shifting in his seat nervously. “That’s how old I was the first time it happened. It was after the second time I’d run away. The templar that was bringing me back in … in chains again … decided he would punish me for my insolence, while enjoying a little mage-flesh on the side.”

Anders shuddered visibly at his own painful memory and Fenris' chest swelled with sympathy again. At least he’d been an adult when his abuses began, not an innocent boy, not yet fully grown to manhood.

“I was already in chains with magic suppression manacles on my hands and ankles,” Anders shared, “so it was easy for the Templar to restrain me in any way he saw fit. He removed my robes first, then told me I would have to submit to his punishment for making him have to run after me. I struggled at first, and so he dragged me to a tree where he pushed me to my knees, securing my chains to the tree. He made a switch from a nearby branch and beat me bloody with it. I screamed but there was no one to hear … no one to come to my aid. I think that’s what got him off … my screams. Next thing I knew he was behind me, his skirts hoisted up. He just grabbed my hips and … raped me. There was no preparation. There was just pain and his grunts as he used me. Then he shamed and humiliated me further by grabbing my cock and forced me to cum for him as well, telling me how much I must have wanted it.”

Anders looked away, shame and humiliation showing starkly on his face. Fenris recalled the times Danarius had told him the same thing, whenever he was feeling generous enough to allow him to cum. It made Fenris shudder at the memory.

“That was only the beginning of course, pretty soon he’d spread word to the other Templars how much I had ‘liked it,’ and I found myself being dragged into the basement to be used, sometimes by multiple Templars. They were trying to break me, to force me to turn to blood magic or a demon, so they could have an excuse to kill me or make me tranquil,” Anders recalled. “So I kept running away, and they kept dragging me back. I honestly don’t know how I even made it to my Harrowing.”

“What exactly is the Harrowing? I don’t think the mages in Tevinter go through something like that,” asked Fenris.

“Once they think you’ve been trained enough, they force you to enter the Fade to confront your demons … literally,” Anders replied “Mine were mostly desire demons, which were pretty transparent and I defeated all of them. I had no desire to succumb to their ‘charms.’ If you do succumb and are possessed … something the Templars can sense instantly … they have orders to kill you on the spot.”

Anders chuckled at that, “I think I surprised everyone that I survived my Harrowing. They all expected me to fall prey to a demon and have to be put down, but I wasn’t. After that I got to move out of the Apprentice quarters into the semi-private quarters of a junior mage. The abuses were less frequent after that, because it was not as easy to drag me away as when I was an apprentice. I just had to avoid going near the lower levels of the tower, which I did gladly.”

“So why did you run away again?” Fenris asked when Anders paused to consider his next words.

“Because I still longed for freedom. I hated being locked away in those stone walls, never being able to see the sun or the sky,” Anders said wistfully. “Unfortunately, the Templars knew that as well, so the last time they brought me back, they put me in solitary confinement for a year. They kept my magic suppressed as well, and of course it wasn’t completely solitary either.”

Fenris almost feared what Anders was going to share next, already imagining what a magic suppressed mage, locked away, might have to endure.

“I’m sure you can imagine already where I’m going with this. I was alone most of the time, but the Templars that had … ‘enjoyed’ … using me before made sure they were part of my guard rotation. I was manacled most of the time, or made to ingest magebane. I wasn’t being fed very much, so I was also weak from hunger and had no way to fight back.”

Anders shuddered again. “I lost count on how many times I was beaten or used during that year. It was only during the last month of my confinement that they stopped, and fed me better, so I didn’t look like a complete wreck by the time they let me out. Needless to say, as soon as I could, I ran again.”

Fenris nodded. It had never occurred to Fenris to run when he was a slave. He had been so well-conditioned… so broken. He began to realize how much strength and fortitude it must have taken for Anders not to have been broken by all his abuses, and made Fenris feel ashamed that he had been so easily broken.

“It’s actually a good thing I did run that time, since it was just before Uldred and his blood mages overran the Circle. I would have hated to get caught in the middle of all that madness. I may not have survived that.”

“I’ve heard stories of what happened there. I believe only one Templar even made it out of the tower alive, after being tortured by abominations and demons,” Fenris recalled.

“Yeah, that was Cullen actually. You remember Knight-Captain Cullen from Kirkwall, right? He was one of the few nice Templars at the Circle. I even had a little crush on him, probably because he was so nice … and handsome too,” Anders said with a slight blush. “He never once tried to lay a hand on me. He never tried to stop the abuses either, but he may have been powerless to do anything.”

“I had no idea that the Cullen we knew was that Templar. He’s lucky to have survived that with his mind intact, only to have to mop up again after Meredith. That makes me feel sorry for the man,” Fenris said. “You never mentioned before that you’d known him in Ferelden.”

“I think we both pretended we didn’t recognize each other in Kirkwall. Like I said, he was one of the nice ones. He’s a good man. He’s with the Inquisition now, Commander of their forces. Varric even said in one of his letters that he suspects that Cullen stopped taking lyrium. I actually hope he’s ok. Doing that can kill a man if he’s not careful,” Anders said.

“Anyway, after the last time I ran, it took them a longer time to catch me because of the chaos of the Fifth Blight, but they eventually caught up with me regardless … darn phylacteries! It was when the Templars took refuge with me at Vigil’s Keep near Amaranthine that I was recruited into the Grey Wardens.”

“Why didn’t you remain with the Grey Wardens?” Fenris asked “You rarely ever mentioned your time with them.”

“Well the main reason I ran again was because they found a way to get a Templar to watch me, even there. They ‘conscripted’ a Templar by the name of Rolan, who was assigned to every mission I was on. I couldn’t get away from him, and my movements were restricted. It was like being in the Circle all over again,” Anders said with a heavy sigh, “the other reason was because of Justice.”

At the mention of the Fade spirit, Fenris flinched and pulled away from Anders. Justice was the main thing that made Fenris nervous about Anders, since he first saw what Anders could do when Justice was allowed to take control. Justice was terrifying.

“I … I’m sorry Anders,” Fenris apologized. “I still find that dem … spirit … unsettling.”

“I know Fenris. Since Kirkwall, I do too. I’ve been pushing him further and further away the past several months. I stopped listening to him because I just couldn’t anymore, it’s all been too much. I wish I could just send him back to the Fade where he belongs.” Anders sighed.

Fenris reached out and took Anders’ hand again. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you not defend Justice.”

“I have begun to regret taking in Justice more and more. I was just trying to help someone I saw as a friend, but I had no idea what my own internal struggles would do to a spirit as pure as Justice. He truly did become twisted into a spirit of Vengeance and to be honest that’s what I should call him now. He’s no longer the friend I once knew.” Anders sighed “I did my friend an injustice by offering myself as a host. I wish I had thought of a better way to help him back then. I was always brash and never thought of the consequences of my actions. It’s probably why I was so easily caught all the time.”

“What made me run from the Grey Wardens in the end was what I did after I merged with Justice. We were out on a mission and I offered myself to Justice a little ways away from our camp. The Grey Wardens we were traveling with found me soon after we were merged, and Justice was so overwhelmed by all the anger inside me, he lashed out … he killed all of them, including Rolan,” Anders let out a regretful sigh.

“Some of them had been my friends, and I was so ashamed for letting that happen, I just ran and I never looked back.”

Fenris was quiet for a long while, thinking over everything Anders had told him. Surprised at how markedly similar their pasts had been, despite being from such different backgrounds.

Fenris took a deep breath and looked at Anders, “It seems I owe you an apology. I was a fool for not listening to you for all those years. We do have a lot more in common than I ever wanted to let myself believe. I think I’ve been denying it so long because the thought of having something in common with a mage … any mage … horrified me. I … I am sorry Anders.”

Anders expression softened and he squeezed Fenris’ hand again. “I’m sorry too. I could have … approached everything with more tact than I did. Forgive me?”

“There is nothing to forgive. I think we were both fools in equal measure.”

Anders nodded. The hearth was down to just a few glowing embers now and the sun had long set. “I think it’s past our bedtime, don’t you think?” Anders asked, getting up and stretching his thin frame.

“Indeed.”

Fenris went to grab the bedroll he’d been sleeping on the past few months when Anders walked over and halted him. “Would you … maybe consider sharing the bed with me tonight? I really miss having a warm body next to me. It would feel less … lonely.”

When Fenris hesitated at the request Anders added with a chuckle “Don’t worry, I have no intention of ravishing you!”

“Well, as long as you keep your hands to yourself, then … alright. The nights here are cold and I’d appreciate the warmth,” Fenris replied.

Fenris removed his armor, stripping down to merely a pair of rough spun breeches, while Anders had no need to change, he practically lived in his sleepwear these days. They crawled into bed, and turned so they lay back-to-back, sharing their body heat, while Anders pulled up the blankets over them both.

“Goodnight Fenris.”

“Goodnight Anders.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the Kudos and Comments so far. I appreciate every single one of them!


	6. Troubled Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justice starts becoming troublesome, so Fenris sends for help.

As Anders’ strength returned, Justice’s voice began to get louder in his head, becoming more insistent. More than once Fenris had noted Anders seeming to mumble to himself, which unnerved the elf.

One afternoon they were taking a walk through the forest surrounding their out-of-the-way hut, Anders gathering herbs along the way for potions he wanted to make, when suddenly he stopped and shouted angrily “NO!”

Fenris looked at Anders with concern, rounding the mage. He put his hands on Anders’ shoulders and asked “Justice?”

Anders took a breath and nodded. “He’s getting louder again, and I can’t get him to just shut up. He’s getting harder to ignore. I … I don’t know what to do.” Anders was shaking and without even thinking Fenris drew Anders into a chaste embrace, trying to calm him.

Anders took a deep breath. “Thanks. I don’t know why but Justice always retreats when you get close like that. It … it helps.”

“Think nothing of it. You know that I have no love for your … spirit. Anything I can do to keep him under control is no hardship.”

As they made their way back to the hut, Fenris was lost in thought when he remembered something from the last letter they’d received from Varric, detailing some goings on with the Inquisition. He’d mentioned an apostate that was part of the Inquisitor’s inner-circle … a mage named Solas who was an expert in the Fade and had befriended many spirits there. Recently they had to help him with a Spirit friend of his that had been turned into a demon, ultimately causing the spirit’s death. The entire incident had unnerved Varric.

Fenris was hoping that perhaps this Solas could help Anders separate himself from Justice once and for all.

The risk of it was that if Anders ever came out of hiding, he’d be taken into custody for his crimes and most likely executed. That would also serve to separate Justice from Anders, but Fenris no longer wished for Anders’ death. In fact, the mere thought of it caused a tight, unpleasant feeling in Fenris’ chest.

Since Kirkwall, Fenris had tried to improve his reading and writing skills beyond what Hawke had taught him, with Anders’ help, although he still wasn’t proficient. Regardless, Fenris still managed to write a quick letter that he could send off to Varric the next time he went out hunting alone and could slip away to the nearest village. He decided not to tell Anders of this, not wanting to panic him or Justice.

_Varric,_

_Anders needs help. Justice trying to take over again. Can Solas help?_

_Do not want Anders arrested. Please._

_Fenris_

Fenris knew that Varric would be discreet. If Fenris was asking for Anders not to be arrested, Varric would see to it that he wasn’t. As annoying as Varric was with his prying and storytelling, he had always been a loyal friend.

While Fenris anxiously awaited a reply from Varric, Anders’ battle with Justice was beginning to take it’s toll. He no longer ate as much, and remained thinner than was healthy for him. Anders thrashed in his sleep now, unless Fenris held him. It was the only thing that seemed to calm him. He began to suspect that the lyrium in Fenris’ skin was helping to soothe Justice, Anders confessed that it made him feel better as well and he was glad he didn’t have to go through this alone.

One day as they sat down to supper and Anders had yet another outburst, Fenris finally asked “What does Justice want you to do this time?”

“He wants me to go back out there and fight with my ‘fellow mages’,” Anders sighed. “He doesn’t understand why I’m so tired of fighting. He also feels the pull from the breach and wants me to go to the Temple of Sacred Ashes to get closer to it. Most of the fighting has been in the Hinterlands, not far from the Temple, so he’s begging me to travel there.”

Anders put his face into his hands, rubbing it with worry. “I’m afraid one day he’ll … just take over and go do whatever he wants, without my consent.”

“Don’t worry, I’m here, I’ll stop him,” Fenris responded.

“No, Fenris, promise me you won’t try. He’d kill you. I … I couldn’t live with myself if that happened,” Anders replied. “Not after all you’ve done for me.”

Anders gave Fenris a tender look and then walked over to the bed to lie down for a nap.

Fenris had felt his heart flutter with the look Anders just gave him and felt conflicted, again. It’s true that he and Anders had become friends over the past several months. Close friends, in fact … something he never would have believed possible. Yet, now Fenris was beginning to feel the undercurrent of … something more. It scared him and he pushed those thoughts aside.

Several weeks after Fenris had sent the letter to Varric, the pair was awakened one early morning by a pounding on the door of the hut. Fenris sprang out of bed, clad in just his roughspun breeches. He immediately grabbed his sword and approached the door warily, while Anders rose behind him, gripping his long unused staff.

“Come on, wake up Broody! It’s just me, and a couple of friends!”

Varric. He had come in person.

Fenris opened the door warily, and the dwarf sauntered in with a wide smile on his face, embracing Fenris tightly. “It’s good to see you old friend. You too Blondie. Wow, you’ve lost weight … and what’s with that beard? I might have to rename you ‘Scruffy!’”

Anders chuckled at Varric’s old familiar banter. “What are you doing here Varric?”

“You might want to ask your elven warrior friend here,” Varric replied, causing Anders to look at Fenris suspiciously.

Before Fenris could respond several others came into the hut. There was a bald elf, a rather large Qunari and a human man with striking blue eyes.

“Fenris, Anders, meet Solas, The Iron Bull, and Maxwell Trevelyan, better known as ‘the Inquisitor’ or ‘Herald of Andraste’,” Varric said, as a manner of introduction.

Anders eyes flew wide in panic, blue cracks beginning to form on his skin “Did … did you come here to arrest me?” Fenris rushed to his side to try and calm the spirit trying to wrest control from the mage.

The Inquisitor quickly spoke up, using a calming tone, “Not today, the Inquisition has much bigger problems than arresting every apostate mage running around Thedas, no matter how many Chantries they’ve managed to blow up.” There was a hint of humor in his voice, and a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “We had a mission to complete near this area anyway and when Varric came to me about your letter, we decided to take a side trip to see what we could do to help,” Trevelyan continued.

“Indeed, and I am most intrigued by your plight,” said the bald elf named Solas. “I am hoping I may be able to help.”

“Wait, what letter? I never sent a letter,” Anders said in confusion.

“I sent the letter to Varric. I was worried for you Anders and I didn’t know what else to do,” Fenris confessed.

Anders was dumbfounded. “Fenris, you didn’t have to … you risk being arrested yourself, for having helped Hawke.”

“Everyone stop worrying about being arrested. No one is being arrested today,” Trevelyan reassured them.

Solas stepped forward and looked at the haggard mage. “I have spent years befriending spirits in the Fade. I would very much like to help your spirit find his way back home, if you’ll allow it?”

Anders seemed to be wrestling with the Spirit in his head for a moment, and Fenris pressed closer, hoping to keep Justice calm.  “Will you be able to do it without harming him?” Anders asked.

“... and without harming Anders?” Fenris added.

“First, let’s all have some breakfast, and tell me how you came to have a Fade spirit within you, that will help me determine the best course of action” Solas replied.

Fenris and Anders began to put together a simple breakfast, using some of the provisions brought along by their guests. There weren’t enough chairs in the small kitchen so they all sat in a circle on the floor in the center of the hut, Anders sitting between Solas and Fenris.

Anders explained how he had been on a Grey Warden mission with the Hero of Ferelden, who was also his Warden-Commander. They had been tracking down a missing Warden, only to find him dead and that they had been led into a trap set by The Mother, and intelligent darkspawn broodmother created by the Architect.

The group of Wardens found themselves pulled into the Fade and trapped there. That’s where they met Justice, who was fighting against a demon-possessed Orlesian mage who had trapped countless innocent people in the Fade with her. They had helped Justice fight her and when they were all flung back out of the Fade, Justice had been flung with them, right into the body of the dead Warden.

Justice had fought alongside the Wardens, inhabiting the decaying corpse for months. After the defeat of the Mother and the Architect, it had become apparent that Justice would need a new host, soon.

Anders wanted to help his friend, and Justice wanted to help Anders gain freedom for all mages. At the time Anders thought joining with Justice would be a splendid idea and offered himself as host. Anders had no idea then what a toll joining with a spirit would take.

“So was it because of Justice that you blew up the Chantry?” Trevelyan asked.

“Hawke asked me the same question. At the time I had said no, but that was because I felt so ashamed of what he … we .. had done. I just wanted to die. Hawke spared me anyway, because he still loved me …” Anders choked back a sob and felt hot tears streaking down his face. Fenris reached out to comfort Anders like he had been doing, not even thinking that they were not alone.

Varric’s eyes went wide when he saw the level of affection Fenris was showing Anders, and made a mental note to ask them about it later.

After taking a deep, steadying breath, Anders’ continued, “But to answer your question honestly, yes. Without Justice, I would have never gone to such extremes to get my point across. All I wanted was a chance to talk, to shed light on the injustices that happened every day in Circles across Thedas. I never wanted to hurt anyone.”

Solas took a moment to consider. “I believe I know everything I need to in order to begin. I would like to walk the Fade with Anders and Justice, to talk to the Spirit directly and hopefully help guide him back home. I don’t believe either of them will come to harm, as long as the Spirit leaves his host willingly,” said Solas confidently. “I would ask everyone to please leave the hut while I take Anders into the Fade, and do not disturb us until we are done.”

Fenris looked at Solas and said quietly, “When you are done, please help guide Anders back home as well. He has a habit of getting lost …”

Solas nodded “Of course.”

Fenris led everyone outside into the warm Autumn morning and they talked quietly among themselves while Solas and Anders remained within the hut. Varric approached Fenris, nudging him with his elbow “So, you and Anders, eh?” he said with a wink.

“What about me and Anders?” Fenris growled.

“Ah, there you are Broody. I knew you were still in there somewhere. I meant, you and Anders look like you’ve gotten pretty close, if you know what I mean,” Varric said with a teasing wink.

“I most certainly do not know what you mean by that Varric,” Fenris huffed. “We have become friends, nothing more.”

“Are you really so sure about that? I saw the touches, the embraces. You act like lovers,” Varric said, with a grin and twinkle in his eye. “Hmm I just thought of a title for a new book … ‘The Little Wolf and his Mage,’ … or is it ‘The Mage and his Little Wolf’?”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Fenris growled angrily at Varric. Despite his primal reaction, Fenris blushed at the implication and then fell silent. Lovers? He and Anders? Preposterous … and yet … why did the thought of that make his heart race?

Fenris quickly shoved the thoughts aside, focusing more on the matter at hand. Would Solas be able to help guide Justice back to the Fade? If that were possible, Anders could finally be free, no longer tormented by the twisted spirit inside of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the Kudos and comments! I'm glad people are enjoying this story so far!


	7. Spirit be Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas takes Anders into the Fade to confront Justice.

Inside the hut, Solas and Anders sat cross-legged across from each other and Solas guided them both into the state required to enter the Fade, much like Anders had done months earlier in order to search for Hawke.

Anders felt the familiar tendrils of the Fade pulling him in, although this felt a bit different somehow. He had never done this before with another mage and he thought that might be it. Once there it still seemed different. The familiar green-grey, shifting light wasn’t there, or the myriad deposits of lyrium.

Instead he was standing in a field near a barn, sun streaming down his face. His breath caught in his throat when he realized where he was. He was … home. Back in the Anderfels on his parents’ farm. The shock knocked the wind out of him and he collapsed to his knees. He then realized there were two other figures next to him, one was Solas, and the other was clearly Justice, a green ethereal ghost of himself.

Anders scrambled to his feet, “Why are we here?”

Solas looked at Anders with some bemusement over his confusion. “I thought it best we come somewhere familiar to you, this place seems quite burned into your memory.”

“It should be, it’s the farm where I grew up. I tried hard to remember every detail of it after I was hauled away by the Templars. I never thought I’d see this place again.”

Justice then stepped forward, looking like the stalwart warrior Anders remembered from the first time he’d met the Spirit in the Fade.

“WHY ARE WE IN THE FADE? WHY MUST YOU CONTINUOUSLY DELAY OUR MISSION?”

Anders looked at his old friend for a moment and replied “Our mission ended when we blew up the Chantry and incited the Mage-Templar war.”

“NO. THERE IS YET MUCH WE CAN DO.”

Anders sighed and looked at Solas. “Do you see what I have to put up with?”

Justice turned towards the bald elf “FEN'HAREL, MY OLD FRIEND.”

“Hello Justice. I had wondered where you disappeared to all those years ago.” Solas responded.

Anders looked even more confused. “Wait … Fen’harel? The Elven God Fen’harel? Why are you referring to Solas by that name?”

“THAT IS THE NAME HE IS KNOWN AS.” Justice replied simply

Anders looked at Solas, his eyes full of questions. “Anders, I will answer your questions, but let us first do what we came for. Let us try and send Justice home.”

Anders nodded.

Solas turned back to Justice and asked “How have you fared in the mortal realm?”

"NOT WELL. IT IS FRUSTRATING. ANDERS WANTS JUSTICE FOR HIS FELLOW MAGES, YET HE IS UNWILLING TO DO WHAT IS REQUIRED," Justice says with an edge of anger to his voice.

“That is because such actions in the mortal realm have consequences. Consequences that Anders should not have had to face. Justice in the mortal world is not as simple as it is here in the Fade,” Solas explained. “I think, my friend, it is time for you to return home. Anders has done much to change the fate of mages. It is up to others to help the process along now.”

“THERE IS STILL SO MUCH THAT COULD BE DONE,” Justice growled

“And they will be done, my friend, but not by you. It is time for you to go home now, and leave Anders in peace” Solas said firmly.

Justice turned to Anders “IS THIS TRULY WHAT YOU WANT?”

“You know it is Justice. You know how tired I am of the fighting. You know how sick I feel when I think of all the innocents who died back in Kirkwall because of us. That … that wasn’t justice.” Anders looked sad. “Somehow when you became joined to me, my own anger and bitterness twisted you into something else. A spirit of vengeance perhaps. I don’t know. I just know what we did, didn’t serve justice to anyone.”

The spirit stood quietly, as if thinking over all of Anders’ words carefully.

Solas stepped closer to the spirit “I can sense the conflict within you. Anders is correct, your purity of spirit has been corrupted. Twisted. Let me help you. I think I can restore your purity, if you’ll allow it?”

Justice looked at the elf and after a few moments, nodded.

Then Solas began weaving his magic, engulfing the entire spirit in a blue glow. Anders could see the ethereal spirit twist and contort. After agonizingly long minutes, the magic stopped and Justice had shifted from a green ethereal being to a blue one.

“It is done. How do you feel Justice?”

“I feel … renewed.” Justice said, with a much softer edge to his voice. Then, all of a sudden the spirit began to wail, almost in agony. “No! Why? Why did we let all those innocents die?!”

Anders understood the anguish. It’s the same anguish he felt every day since Kirkwall. “We didn’t just let them die, Justice. We caused their deaths.”

“That … that was not justice. You were right, friend Anders. Being inside you must have corrupted me. I would never … could never … have conceived of such a thing. Why did you corrupt me like that?”

 “I had no idea that my own anger and bitterness would twist you like that Justice. For that, I am sorry. I hope you understand now why I need you to go home now.” Anders replied.

“Yes, you are right. It is time. I do not wish to be twisted like that again. I hope you find the peace and happiness you seek, friend Anders.” Justice reached out and gave Anders an ethereal embrace.

Justice turned back to Solas. “Thank you, Fen’harel. It is good to feel like myself again after so long. Will you come visit with me as before?”

“Of course. We have much to discuss, you and I. You have gone through a very unique experience and I would like to learn from it.” Solas replied.

Solas then stepped back and cast another spell, producing a swirling portal. “Use this portal my friend. It will take your spirit form physically back into the Fade, and separate you from Anders permanently.”

“Goodbye Anders, take care of yourself,” Justice said. “I hope you will visit soon, Fen’harel.”

“Goodbye Justice. I’m sorry for everything. I hope you will be well,” Anders replied.

Justice nodded before moving forward and slipping through the portal, back into the physical Fade.

At that moment, Anders felt … free. Freer than he had felt since … since the last time he stood in that very same field in the Anderfels, before the Templars came and the nightmare that his life had become had started. He fell to his knees and began to weep. He wept for joy and sorrow and for a deep well of so many other emotions.

Then Anders began to feel like something was … missing. At first he thought it was losing the presence of Justice after so long, but … no that wasn’t it. Then he realized, every time he’d broken down and sobbed like this over the past few months, Fenris had always come to embrace him, to soothe him. Anders realized he missed feeling that here.

Now with Justice gone, would Fenris even want to embrace him like that? The only reason he had been doing it was to help keep Justice in check. That would no longer be necessary. Anders hoped they wouldn’t go back to their old bickering. He liked the friendship he’d built with Fenris, and was now afraid to lose it.

Anders finally calmed down and looked up at Solas. “What now?”

“Justice has returned to the Fade, where he belongs. You are now free of him Anders.” Solas replied calmly.

“Thank you, I … I don’t know how much longer I … I could have gone on with Vengeance eating at me like that.” Anders stammered.

“No need to thank me. I came to help an old friend of mine get back home where he belonged. I am pleased I was able to do so without harming either of you.” Solas said sincerely.

“Why did Justice call you Fen’harel?” Anders asked again.

“It is merely a nickname, one my Spirit friends have given me.” Solas replied dismissively “I spend much time walking the Fade. I can sense you have recently also spent much time here. Tell me, what were you seeking?”

“I was searching for Hawke. I heard he’d been trapped physically in the Fade and I was trying to find him, to rescue him. I miss him so much …” Anders eyes welled with tears again.

“I did the same, after the rest of us made it out of the Fade. However, I was unable to sense anything of him. I’m sorry, but he truly is gone.”

Anders wailed again, his heart clenching in sadness. Hawke was really gone. The grief overwhelmed him and Solas knew it was time to end their Fade adventure. He grasped Anders and shook him, before whispering in his ear “Wake up!”

The next thing Anders knew, he started awake, back in the cabin, staring at Solas. Justice was truly gone. He could no longer feel the Spirit’s presence.

Anders began to weep … he wept in relief, he wept for the loss he hadn’t expected to feel. He never realized how empty he had felt before the Spirit was within him, and the void he had left was immeasurable. He also wept for the memory of knowing that Hawke truly was gone. Anders’ body was wracked with sobs and he just couldn’t stop. He felt lost.

Solas rose and went outside, “Fenris, I believe Anders has need of your presence. Justice is gone.”

Fenris ran inside to find Anders on the floor weeping and he rushed to the mage’s side, holding him close and comforting him again. All the times before he’d done this without thinking, but he now remembered Varric’s words from earlier now and he began to realize what this looked like.

Fenris also began to realize, as he held the mage close that he had indeed come to feel affection for Anders. More so than he’d been willing to admit to himself until now. He kept trying to push the thoughts aside. Anders had never indicated he wanted more than friendship with him and with their past together, he didn’t think anything more was even possible between them.

Anders clung to Fenris, weeping, but grateful that Fenris was still willing to embrace him, to try and comfort him.

Anders began whispering through his sobs “He’s gone … he’s gone.”

“Yes, mage, Justice is gone. Solas told me,” Fenris said, trying to sound soothing.

“N .. no … you don’t understand. Hawke. He really is gone. He didn’t survive in the Fade. Solas confirmed it. Oh Maker … Hawke!” Anders began to weep anew.

Fenris felt fresh, hot tears fall at the news, although he no longer felt the crushing weight of grief as he first had. A part of him had already accepted Hawke’s loss.

Fenris tried to calm Anders “Hush now, mage. We both miss him dearly, but we’ve known for months he was gone. I do hope this news will keep you from trying to wander the Fade alone again.”

Anders started to take deep breaths, trying to calm himself, to focus on the reality that he no longer had a Fade spirit inhabiting him, pushing aside thoughts of Hawke for now.

Once Anders was calm, they stood and went outside with everyone else.

“It feels strange … not to have this constant voice in my head now. It’s almost … peaceful,” Anders said with a sigh of relief and regret. “Thank you Varric. Thank you for bringing Solas to help me finally be free.”

Trevelyan wandered over and clapped a hand on Anders’ back “So, want to come back to Skyhold with us?” he asked with a roguish grin.


	8. Judgement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders is brought before the Inquisitor to answer for his crimes in Kirkwall (say what?!)

_Trevelyan wandered over and clapped a hand on Anders’ back “So, want to come back to Skyhold with us?” he asked with a roguish grin._

Anders bristled at the suggestion. “Skyhold? I thought you said you weren’t here to arrest me?!”

Trevelyan sighed. “I never said anything about arresting you. However, you are the most wanted man in Thedas right now. You can keep hiding and running for the rest of your life, or you can come back to Skyhold and join the Inquisition. We could use a healer of your talents, and we could protect you from those who want to hunt you down and kill you.”

Anders looked sheepish and bowed his head and said “Yes, as long as Fenris can come with?”

The Inquisitor looked at the elf. “The Inquisition could use a warrior of your talents as well.

Fenris sighed “Alright, we’ll go back to Skyhold with you.”

Fenris then turned to the dwarf, “Thank you Varric. I knew I could count on you to help us.”

“No problem, Broody. That’s what friends are for!” the dwarf quipped, giving Fenris a friendly pat on the back.

Anders and Fenris quickly donned their armor, strapped their weapons on their backs and packed their meager belongings. Locking the hut, they joined the Inquisitor and his team, journeying with them back to Skyhold.

***

During the journey the Inquisitor came up with a plan on how to best help Anders. Just joining the Inquisition wouldn’t solve all of his problems and people would still be hunting him. He decided it would be best to make a grand showing of having “captured” Anders, and then drag him before the Inquisitor for judgement. Trevelyan had been known for his leniency with his previous judgements, generally forcing those brought before him to serve the Inquisition in some capacity. This seemed to satisfy most people

The Inquisitor was nervous to propose this, based on Anders’ and Fenris’ reaction about getting arrested, but he felt this really would be the best course of action.

One night, as they sat around the campfire, two days away from Skyhold, he finally decided it was time to tell them the plan.

“Anders, Fenris, we need to discuss something. Now, please hear me out before you start getting upset, alright?” Trevelyan began. He waited for nods of acknowledgement before he continued. “Just bringing you both to Skyhold won’t be enough to completely protect you from those who would see Anders pay for what was done in Kirkwall. We need to make a grand, public gesture to show the world that you have been judged and punished, so that no other need come after you anymore.”

Anders bristled “What do you mean judged and punished?”

“Calm down, it will all be for show. I would have you brought into Skyhold in chains. We’d make a show of dragging you to the dungeon, before taking you off to a nice room to freshen up. Then once I’m prepared we’d haul you in front of the main dias where I do all my judgements and I’d pronounce you to a sentence of service to the Inquisition. I’ll send a raven ahead with a note to Leliana and Josephine to make sure the “right” people were there to witness this, to make sure word spreads,” explained Trevelyan.

“Is that really necessary? How do we know we can trust you not to execute Anders?” Fenris snarled.

“Hey, hey Broody, calm down. Our dear Inquisitor here has never executed anyone that’s stood in judgement before him. Even people who tried to kill him. Heck even a Tevinter magister that sent him forward in time to see a horrific possible future.” Varric interrupted. “I wouldn’t have brought him if I thought he’d ever harm either one of you.”

Anders sighed. At this point he had little choice. It was either this or keep running. “Alright, as long as I have your word this is just all for show.”

Trevelyan held out his hand as a peace offering. Anders took it and they shook hands “I promise, Anders. It’s just for show.”

***

Before they were within view of Skyhold, the Inquisitor brought out a pair of what looked like Templar manacles, the kind that would suppress magic. However as they were placed on Anders wrists, he felt no suppression, and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Why do you have a fake pair of magic suppression manacles?” Anders asked curiously.

“You wouldn’t believe how often things like that can come in handy,” he offered as explanation.

Word had been sent ahead and all of Skyhold came out to see the infamous mage be dragged towards the dungeons. Only the Inquisitor’s advisors and inner circle knew the truth. Cullen stepped forward to personally escort Anders to the dungeons, and from there to a private room where he could freshen up from his journey. Cullen remained silent and Anders decided it was best to continue the pretense he started in Kirkwall, of pretending he didn’t recognize the man.

Once in the private room, Anders was able wash as best he could from the small wash basin in the room and change into a fresh new set of robes that Trevelyan had sent for him to wear. They were rough spun and plain. Something that was meant to make him more look humble. As he was still frightfully thin, the robes hung on him, looking baggy. Looking in the mirror at his gaunt, bearded face, framed by long, unkempt hair, he looked every bit the hunted fugitive (or hermit … hermit would work too).

After he was done, he lay on the small couch in the room and tried to rest a bit after their long journey. He didn’t know how long he had dozed before a knock came at the door, Cullen coming into “drag” him to his judgement. He placed the fake manacles back on his wrists and took him back through the back passageways in order to make a show of dragging him out of the dungeon. Anders silently hoped all this would be worth it.

***

The Inquisitor took his place on the large throne at the end of the great hall, and Fenris moved closer in order to watch the proceedings. Josephine came forward and announced the defendant and listed his crimes.

“I present Anders, apostate mage, former Grey Warden. He is accused of setting off an explosion in the Kirkwall Chantry, killing dozens of innocents and setting off the Mage-Templar war.” Josephine announced.

Anders was brought forth with two guards, trying his best to look humble to the eyes of all gathered, his head and shoulders drooping. Once he was at the edge of the dais he looked up at the Inquisitor.

“What do you have to say for yourself, Anders?” Trevelyan asked, pointedly.

“I submit myself upon the mercy of your judgement, Inquisitor. I am responsible for the destruction of the Chantry in Kirkwall, but I had not acted alone, or under my own will at the time. I was possessed by a Spirit of Justice, and he willed me to carry out that action in order to help free the mages across Thedas. I deeply regret every single life that was lost that day. I am a Spirit Healer and it pains me greatly whenever a life is taken. Please, Inquisitor, have mercy.”

The speech was well-rehearsed, but regardless was sincere on Anders’ part. He did regret every life that had been lost that day, even Meredith and Orsino’s.

“So you admit to also having been an abomination?” the Inquisitor asked harshly. Anders nodded. “Add that to the list of charges, Josephine. Josephine quickly wrote something down on her ever-present clipboard.

“Are there any here who wish to speak upon the accused’s behalf?” asked Trevelyan next.

Solas stepped up. “I do. I can confirm that Anders was indeed possessed by a Fade Spirit, by a Spirit of Justice. That Spirit was twisted into a Spirit of Vengeance when he merged with Anders, after learning all the horrific things that had been done to Anders during his time at the Ferelden Circle. The Spirit sought vengeance for every mage who had to suffer the same fate. That Spirit no longer lives within Anders, I have cast it back to the Fade. When making your judgement Inquisitor, remember to judge the man who stands before you now, not the abomination he once had been.”

“I will take your words into consideration,” the Inquisitor said. Anyone else?

Fenris was about to step up and take his turn when all of a sudden someone else walked forward. Fenris recognized him immediately … it was Knight-Captain Cullen. Commander Cullen now, based on what Varric had told him.

“I also wish to speak on behalf of the accused,” Cullen said, making Anders turn around in shock, recognizing the voice. “I was a Templar at the Ferelden Circle during the years that Anders was there. While I did not participate in the abuses he suffered, I was sadly well aware of them. I know for a fact he was beaten, and raped and under constant threat of being made tranquil. He escaped us 7 times before being conscripted into the Grey Wardens. Personally I was relieved he was never returned that last time, because our Knight-Commander had decided to put him to the brand if he had been returned. I am ashamed to admit that I did nothing to help him and if you wish to judge Anders for his actions, then you must also judge me for my inactions. Perhaps … perhaps if I had stepped in and helped, none of this would ever have happened.”

A hushed silence had fallen in the great hall, and Fenris didn’t know what to say. Anders continued to stare in shock at the former Templar, not able to believe one of his order would ever confess to those atrocities so … openly. This was completely unexpected and unplanned, but strengthened the Inquisitor’s plans.

“Thank you Cullen, I will also take your words into consideration,” Trevelyan said. “Is there anyone else?”

Fenris took that to be his queue and he stepped forward.

“Inquisitor, I am Fenris, former slave of the Magister Denarius, of the Tevinter Empire. I was a compatriot of Anders during his time in Kirkwall. We had been companions and friends of Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall, may he rest in peace. While Anders and I rarely agreed upon the issues regarding mages and Templars, one thing that that I always admired about him was his selfless determination to help the poor and downtrodden. He ran a clinic in darktown, and he healed the sick and injured there. He healed as many as he could for as long as he could, often going without food or sleep, until every patient waiting to see him was taken care of. The same was true within our circle of friends, he always healed every single one of us before taking care of himself. He may have been driven by a Spirit but he is a selfless man. Allow him to make amends for the actions in Kirkwall. Allow him to right his wrongs … Please, Inquisitor, _show him mercy_.”

Fenris’ voice cracked near the end, choked with unexpected emotion. He stepped back and waited to hear Trevelyan’s judgement.

“Anders, you stand before me accused of very serious crimes. However, you have also had three very impassioned defenders ask me for mercy on your behalf. I have heard everything they have said and their words have been considered in my decision.” Trevelyan sat up and leaned forward. “Anders, in order to pay for your crimes, I sentence you to join the Inquisition. You will heal our sick and wounded as you did when you were in Kirkwall. You will help train other mages in the healing arts. You will do so until such a time as I consider your debt to Thedas repaid.”

“Yes, Inquisitor. Thank you for your mercy,” Anders bowed.

Fenris breathed a sigh of relief when the Inquisitor spoke again. “I’m not done yet. Fenris, step forward.”

Fenris looked confused, but did as he was asked, stepping up next to Anders, quickly giving his hand a quick squeeze.

“Fenris, you may not have been complicit with Anders in the destruction of the Chantry, but you were complicit with fighting and killing many Templars afterwards. You may not have stood before me accused, but regardless, I sentence you to also join the Inquisition. You will serve as Anders’ bodyguard, and you will assist Commander Cullen in training all new recruits to our forces. You will do so until such a time as I consider your debt paid as well.”

Fenris had not expected this, he had planned to freely offer his services to the Inquisition, and Trevelyan knew that. This must have been part of the show Trevelyan needed to put on for the nobles gathered in the great hall.

Fenris bowed his head “Yes, Inquisitor. Thank you for your mercy,” he mimicked Anders’ words.

The guards came forward and removed Anders’ manacles and Trevelyan came down from his dais. “Come, let’s see if your room is ready.” He led them through corridors and passages, to a mostly unoccupied part of the keep. “I know there are still people out there that would prefer to see Anders dead, so I thought I’d put you both up in an out-of-the-way part of Skyhold for now. It should make your job as bodyguard a bit easier I hope, Fenris.”

He then unlocked the door and handed over the key to Fenris and led them inside. The room was large and well-appointed with a large 4-poster bed in the center, a large tub for bathing behind a privacy screen, and an impressive fireplace. “I sent a letter via messenger bird to Josephine while we were on the road, asking her to prepare quarters for you both. We keep getting gifts and have started to run out of storage room so we’ve started distributing many of them among our people. These furnishings are just the tip of the iceberg. I also had the liberty of having some new clothing made for you both as well - I hope I got the sizes right. Please feel free to join us at the Herald’s Rest this evening for dinner after you’ve both freshened up.” The Inquisitor then turned and left the pair alone.

“Wow. You know if my quarters at the Circle had been anything like this, I might have never run away,” Anders joked, and then noted Fenris’ serious expression. “You know it was awful nice for Cullen to speak up like that. I didn’t even know that he had any idea of what was being done to me. I wish now we’d had the chance to talk when we saw each other again in Kirkwall. Maybe that’s why he pretended not to know who I was? He could have dragged me to the gallows a dozen times over.”

“I was thinking about that. Perhaps he felt he couldn’t allow you to get locked up with Templars again? Perhaps it was in some way his atonement for his inaction in Ferelden? Regardless, we’ll have to thank him later,” Fenris said. “But first … let’s get cleaned up for dinner.”

An hour later, they were both was completely washed, looking and feeling better than they had in ages. Anders decided it was finally time to shave off his damnable beard as well, and then grabbed a pair of scissors and chopped off a significant length of his hair as well, before tying the rest back into a neat pony tail.

While Anders was shaving, Fenris tried on his new armor. When he turned around, Anders looked at the elf with appreciation. Fenris’ white hair and lyrium tattoos accented his dusky skin perfectly, and the new black and silver armor, with the crest of the Inquisition emblazoned on the chest looked stunning. With the Sword of Mercy on his back, he looked every part the bodyguard.

Anders’ heart skipped a beat looking at him and then tried to push the feelings aside. No matter how affectionate, Fenris would never think of him _that way_ , so why torture himself with the thought?

Anders was too embarrassed by his own feelings to see how Fenris gaped at him in equal appreciation. Without the beard and unkempt long hair, he looked like his old, handsome self again. Fenris had almost forgotten how handsome Anders actually was, and it nearly took his breath away.

“You look … much better, without the beard,” Fenris stammered. “You are still too thin though. Can you promise me you’ll start to eat more? Please?”

Fenris absentmindedly raised a hand to tuck a stray hair, that somehow escaped the pony tail, behind his ear, and Anders reached up and took that hand into his. “I promise Fenris, I’ll start to eat more. I’ll eat until I’m all fat and jiggly!” he laughed.

“No need to overdo it, _mage_ ,” Fenris said teasingly.

“Ooh ‘mage’ now is it? You haven’t really called me that in ages.” Anders laughed. “Well then, _elf_ , care to join me for dinner?”

They made their way together to the Herald’s Rest and joined the Inquisitor with his inner circle. As they walked in, several people whistled at their cleaned up appearance. Dorian spoke up first "Bull, you never told me that this Anders was such a beautiful specimen of magehood." The Tevinter mage looked at Anders with unabashed hunger. Fenris glared at him and grabbed Anders possessively, steering Anders away from the Tevinter.

Anders then made his way over to Commander Cullen when he saw him. “Cullen, I wanted to personally say thank you for your words today. I didn’t even realize you remembered me from the Circle. You were always so quiet, I didn’t think you ever even noticed me. Anyway, you have my sincerest gratitude for speaking up for me today.”

“Think nothing of it, I have been feeling guilty for my inaction due to fear of magic back in those days. I felt this was one way for me to atone for that. Also, we really were needing another healer, especially as things come to a head with Corypheus. Having a Spirit Healer is an added bonus. Welcome to the team!”

 It struck Anders and Fenris how warm and welcoming most people in Skyhold were. There was the occasional troublemaker, some newcomer who hadn’t heard about Anders’ udgement and sentencing, but in general everyone just accepted their presence. Seeing former Templars and apostate mages getting along and working side-by-side was even more shocking. Anders was seeing the kind of world he’d always longed for, here within the walls of Skyhold. He hoped that this spirit of camaraderie could one day spread across all of Thedas.


	9. We Need to Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris runs into Anders and Dorian in a secluded hallway, which throws him into a fit of jealous rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let there be smut! ;)

Anders couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this happy. Justice was finally gone and his constant driving need for vengeance no longer pressed on him. Anders spent most of his days in the infirmary, quickly becoming the primary healer there. When there were no patients to attend to, he would work with any mages that wanted to learn the healing arts. Even the Tevinter Altus Dorian joined in, hoping to pick up some basic healing techniques, among other things.

Fenris took an immediate disliking to Dorian … he was, in his mind, the embodiment of everything he hated. A self-righteous Altus from Tevinter, son of a Magister and the “perfect specimen” of a mage. Well, almost perfect, anyway.

However, the constant flirtation with Anders made him start to really hate the Tevinter.

It had been several weeks since their “sentencing” and while there was actually no need for it anymore, Anders and Fenris still shared a bed. Fenris could have requested his own private quarters if he’d a mind to ask. Sharing a bed had just become a comfortable habit, and neither of them relished the idea of sleeping alone.

Despite that, Anders had convinced himself that Fenris had no interest in him beyond friendship and so he openly encouraged Dorian’s flirtations. Now that he was fully recovered from his self-inflicted ordeal, and Justice wasn’t around to rein him in from obvious “distractions,” his old urges began to come back and he really wanted to do something about them.

Fenris didn’t know what to do. He was wrestling with his own blossoming feelings, but had no idea how to act on them. Seeing Anders return Dorian’s flirtations made his blood boil, but he knew he had no claim on Anders, and he had no idea if Anders ever had any interest in him beyond friendship either. The frustration began to eat at him and he turned back to his old habit of going off to brood alone, preferably with a bottle of wine. He couldn’t get the image of Anders and Dorian off in some dark corner together. The wine helped to ease the pain.

One night, Fenris was wandering back to their quarters, his feelings comfortably numbed by more wine, and he came across them. Dorian had Anders pushed against a wall, hands pinned above his head, kissing him fiercely.

Something in Fenris snapped. The lyrium in his flesh flared brightly and he rushed at them, snatching Dorian away from Anders, crying “get your hands off _my mage_!”

Dorian made a decidedly undignified squeak as he was flung to the ground, before casting a barrier to keep Fenris away from him. Anders huffed in frustration, “Fenris!! What are you doing?!” he began angrily, “wait … what did you call me? Since when am I ‘ _your_ ’ mage?”

Dorian remained cowed on the floor “I apologize, Anders insisted that the two of you were merely friends, that there was nothing between you. Otherwise, I would never have let things get this far.”

Fenris took several breaths to calm himself down. It was at that moment he realized how much he wanted Anders for himself, and it was time he did something about that.

“Anders, we need to talk,” Fenris began, offering no apology for his behavior.

“Yes, clearly it seems we do,” Anders agreed, still frustrated over the interruption. “Sorry, Dorian.” They left the poor confused Tevinter huffing indignantly on the floor.

Anders and Fenris walked the rest of the way to their quarters in silence. Anders’ heart was racing. Could Fenris actually have feelings for him? It’s the only reason that would explain his jealous behavior. He hadn’t dared to hope since Fenris had never tried to make a move on him after all this time. There had been plenty of opportunities, especially in recent weeks. This was all very confusing.

They entered their quarters and Fenris closed the door behind him, locking it and causing Anders to quirk an eyebrow. “So we are not disturbed. I have something I need to say. Will you listen?” The elf’s heart beat fast within his chest. This wasn’t how he wanted to do this, but it was far past time he did.

“Yes,” Anders replied curtly.

Fenris took a deep breath and took time to gather his thoughts.

“We haven’t _really_ talked since that one night in the hut, months ago. I hadn’t even realized how close we’d grown until Varric pointed it out that day when Solas helped separate you from Justice.”

Anders cocked his head “Oh?”

“Varric told me that we had looked like lovers to him, because we constantly held hands and embraced,” Fenris blushed. “I hadn’t even considered it until then, but he was right. However, you never gave any indication you were interested in anything more, so I just left it at that. I was content then, to just have you close to me.”

Fenris took a deep breath and continued, “however when I’ve been watching you flirt with Dorian and when I caught you just now kissing him, I felt a surge of jealousy, and I realized that I cannot be content just to have you close. I want you in my life, Anders, as more than just a friend.”

Anders chuckled softly, his heart swelling. “Oh Fenris, we’ve both been a couple of fools. I had been thinking the exact same thing … I was afraid of pushing you away if I let my attraction to you show, so I left it, too. I thought I could be content with just your closeness as well.”

“And now?”

“Well, without Justice keeping me in check … before him … I was a rather randy mage. It’s … been so long … not since Hawke … “

Fenris closed the space between them, placing his hands on Anders’ hips, looking into those warm, brown eyes. He had no words to say what he wanted. His breath quickened and his heart pounded, and yet he hesitated.

“Did you mean that, when you called me your mage?” Anders whispered.

“Yes, if you would have me, I would very much like for you to be mine.”

“Then, _I am yours_ ,” Anders breathed as he slanted his mouth over Fenris’, kissing him softly.

Their kiss was chaste at first, soft and sweet. Slowly their tongues slipped out and caressed lips and teeth, the kiss growing more sensual, more heated, until they were slowly devouring each other, hands pulling their bodies closer together.

Anders pulled back slightly, looking into Fenris’ beautiful green eyes. “I want you so much Fenris. Wanted you for ages now.”

Fenris let out a sexy growl and dove in for another kiss, while slowly walking Anders back towards their shared bed until the back of Anders' knees collided with the mattress and he fell back onto it. Fenris smiled down at him as he began to rid himself of his armor. Anders stared in awe as he uncovered more and more of his thin, muscular frame until he stood before Anders completely naked, his desire for Anders unmistakable now.

“Oh Maker, you’re beautiful, Fenris. I think you’re one of the most beautiful beings I have ever seen…”

Fenris blushed and retorted with a smirk “and you are overdressed.”

Anders quickly shed his robes and smallclothes, his desire for Fenris equally evident. Between having eaten proper meals, and the training he’d been doing, Anders’ thin frame was once again healthy, and even showing a bit of muscle tone. Fenris looked at _his mage_ appreciatively as he crawled up onto the bed next to him.

Anders pulled Fenris close and began kissing him again, soft and slow. Tears welled in his eyes for happiness. He had yearned for this and he never wanted this moment to end. Fenris looked at Anders with adoration, cupping Anders’ face with one of his hands, wiping away the tears with his thumb. Anders leaned into the touch, relishing it.

Fenris began to kiss Anders along his jawline, down his neck, pausing at where neck meets shoulder to leave a bite, marking Anders as his. Anders wrapped his arms around the elf, pulling him closer, needing to feel every inch of him against his skin, kissing every part of him his mouth could reach.

“Fenris, I need you so much … please … take me … make me yours …” Anders punctuated his need with kisses on Fenris’ skin.

Fenris looked at his mage with longing and desire as he slowly pushed Anders onto his back, settling himself between the man’s legs. Without being asked, Anders wove a grease spell into his hand, holding it out for Fenris.

“Why am I not surprised that mages have a spell for _that_ ,” Fenris smirked. Anders blushed and smiled back at Fenris.

Fenris dipped his fingers into the grease, lifting Anders legs in order to properly massage the slick substance around his puckered hole. Anders moaned as Fenris breached the tight ring of muscle with one finger, slowly massaging it in and out, eventually adding two, and then three fingers. Fenris slowly crooked his fingers, massaging that spot within Anders … that glorious spot that had gone untouched for so long. Anders body arched into Fenris’ touch, moaning in pleasure, aching for _more_.

Fenris’ desire to possess Anders’ body reached a fevered pitch and he took the rest of the grease Anders still had on offer, coating his aching member before lining himself up and slowly pushing into the mage.

The intimate contact caused Fenris’ lyrium markings to glow faintly, causing Anders magic to yearn for it, making him want to take Fenris deeper, pull him closer, until they were practically one being. Fenris could feel Anders’ magic pulling at him, but instead of pain, it only caused pure pleasure.

Fenris made slow, languid thrusts into Anders. This wasn’t about fucking or mutual gratification. He wanted to make love to _his mage_. Claim him and make him his. He hadn’t wanted anyone this much since Hawke, and he didn’t want to make the same mistakes he had made. He cared for Anders … a lot more than he was still willing to admit.

Anders was now practically mewling with want beneath Fenris’ slow movements. Fenris bent down to kiss the mage slowly, passionately again as he continued to thrust, thrilling at the tight heat as he sheathed his cock over and over inside the handsome man. He grasped Anders erection and slowly began to stroke in time with his thrusts, teasing and torturing him with pure, unadulterated pleasure.

Part of Anders wanted to beg and plead Fenris to move faster, thrust harder … but no one had ever made love to him this way before, so slow and sensual. It felt so good, he almost never wanted it to end. He pulled up his legs, encircling them around Fenris’ waist, changing the angle of his hips to take Fenris deeper.

Anders hands roamed down to cup Fenris’ perfect ass, kneading and massaging, feeling the languid roll of his hips as he continued to thrust, over and over. The pleasure and heat continued to build between them, threatening to crest and crash. Finally Fenris had to move faster … needed to move faster, and began to quicken his pace, stroking Anders at the same pace, feeling the pre-cum leaking over his hand, slicking his strokes.

“Fenris … so close …” Anders breathed, arching his back more into the increased thrusts.

“Cum for me, _my mage_ … I want to feel you cum …” Fenris whispered through gritted teeth.

Anders let himself go, letting the heat coiled in his belly release, arching, mewling, screaming Fenris’ name as he came, hard … cumming between them, leaving them both a wet, sticky mess. As he came, he clenched impossibly tight around Fenris, sending the elf over the edge of the abyss and he made one final, powerful thrust into Anders before spilling deep inside the mage, pulsing through wave after wave of pure pleasure.

Afterwards, they lay panting in each other’s arms, unwilling to let go of each other, still needing each other’s closeness.

Anders let out a chuckle, “If I had known that kissing Dorian would lead to … this … I would have done it weeks ago!”

Fenris growled “don’t you dare go near that … that … _Tevinter_ … ever again.”

Anders planted another soft kiss on Fenris’ lips. “I said I’m yours, and I meant it, you silly, possessive elf. Besides, I think Dorian is actually pining after our dear Commander Cullen.”

“Cullen? I didn’t think he would be interested in … mages … or men,” Fenris huffed.

“I don’t know, I’ve seen the way Cullen blushes around Dorian when he thinks no one else is looking. I'm also pretty sure Dorian has a thing for blondes. Stranger things have happened … take us for example,” Anders said, waggling his eyebrows at the elf.

“True enough, _mage_ , true enough,” he snuggled closer into Anders' embrace, settling his head on the larger man’s chest and drifting off into a blissful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the Kudos, Comments, Subscriptions and Bookmarks. I love you all!


	10. Not Again ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Anders are faced with the battle of a lifetime when Corypheus finally confronts the Inquisition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - this chapter will contain much angst.

Fenris and Anders spent a week of happiness together. A week where every touch and embrace now meant far more than they had before. Every night filled with pent up passion that threatened to consume them both in flames. Their hearts sang with so many words yet unspoken, yet unrealized.

The days remained the same, with Anders busying himself in the infirmary, while more injured and wounded poured in daily, the Inquisition coming under increasing threat from Corypheus and his forces. Fenris was hard at work helping to train every new warrior recruit that came through Skyhold’s gates, offering up their service to the Inquisition. He trained those who preferred the two-handed weapon as he did, while Cullen and Cassandra worked with the sword and shield warriors. Between them they were building a formidable force, one that they knew they would require when the final battle was at hand.

Evenings were spent with their new friends, eating, drinking, laughing, and trying to forget for a brief time the danger they all faced.

***

One evening, Fenris was smiling to himself when he took note of the furtive looks and blushes Commander Cullen gave Dorian across the crowded tavern, when the Tevinter mage wasn’t looking. Dorian was also sneaking looks at the Commander as well, but was much more subtle and composed in his execution. Clearly these two had it bad for each other.

Fenris just shook his head and thought about how long he and Anders had danced around each other, not realizing how much the other had held an equal interest. That reminder caused him to pull Anders into a searing kiss, claiming him right in front of their new companions, who whooped and hollered at the public display. This caused Anders to blush a delightful shade of red.

In the training yard the next day Fenris decided he should say something to Cullen, not wanting his new friend to waste as much time as he had, in order to find happiness.

“Commander, may I speak frankly with you?” Fenris asked.

“Of course, Fenris. Haven’t you always?” Cullen said, bemused by the politeness of the question.

“I have been noticing your attention towards a certain … mage. I can tell from your furtive glances you haven’t yet made your interest known, am I correct?” Fenris queried.

Cullen flushed a bright crimson, rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness. “I … um … am I really that obvious?”

Fenris smirked at Cullen’s nervousness. “You are definitely more obvious than Dorian is being, although he clearly covets you as well.”

“Wait, Dorian? Covets me?” Cullen seemed a bit taken aback by the revelation.

“I’m quite certain of it, once I knew to look for the signs. Anders suggested that Dorian may have a thing for … blondes,” Fenris said with a chuckle. “So why don’t you talk to him? I hear you enjoy playing chess with him on occasion. Don’t make the same mistake Anders and I made.”

Cullen sighed at that. “I … I can’t. Yes, it’s true I have a strong interest in Dorian … but I don’t want to just be another one of his conquests. All he seems to really want is a night or two of pleasure before he’s on to his next tumble in someone else’s bed. I … I really want more than that. No ... I _need_ more than that, and I highly doubt he’d want the same.”

Fenris looked at the former Templar with sympathy. “You won’t know for sure unless you talk to him about it. Anders and I made many false assumptions about each other as well. We were both a couple of fools and I regret all the years we wasted being so angry at each other. If we had talked sooner ...”

“Well … I’ll think about it. Thank you Fenris,” Cullen said, before turning back to the training dummy he’d been practicing on, attacking it with new fervor.

***

The week of happiness came to a shuddering, crashing halt when Corypheus finally came forth.

The Inquisitor led all of his inner circle to stand against the darkspawn magister. Trevelyan asked Fenris and Anders to join as well, knowing another warrior and a healer could make all the difference in the final confrontation.

Fenris worried and fussed over Anders during their trek towards where Corypheus was waiting. Neither of them had been in a proper battle for quite some time, not since Kirkwall. Fenris had been fighting slavers for months after they ran from Kirkwall, but even so he’d not been in a fight for quite a few months now. He hoped his daily training had been enough for him to keep his edge.

However Anders had been on the run since Kirkwall and hadn’t fought since they faced Meredith and her Templars in that final, horrible battle.

“Anders, promise me you’ll stay back and just heal. No offensive spells. The Inquisitor has enough other mages to do that. I want you to stay safe. Please, promise me,” Fenris said sternly.

Anders took Fenris’ gauntleted hand in his own. “I promise, love.”

Fenris blushed at the endearment … of the word that had so far gone unspoken between them.

“I promise, no heroics from me today,” Anders continued. “I’ll stay back and just heal. That is my strongest magic and that is the talent the Inquisitor requires of me. Just promise me that you will do the same. I know you’re a warrior, and you must be on the front line. I just wish you were more partial to carrying a shield.”

“You know I avoid most injuries by using my fade shifting abilities, I’ll do my best not to get reckless, I promise, _Amatus_ ,” Fenris said, blushing again and seeing if Anders had taken note of his own use of an endearment.

Unfortunately there was no more time. They had arrived and were confronted by Corypheus and his Archdemon almost immediately. Morrigan transformed into a dragon and went off to take out the Archdemon, while the rest went after Corypheus, fighting their way through wave after wave of shades and demons as Corypheus fled into the ruins.

Anders and Fenris had fought demons before, called upon by the various blood mages they kept encountering in Kirkwall, but never in quite such numbers. Thankfully there were more than four of them this time to fight, and they stood side-by-side with their old friend Varric and the rest of the Inquisitor’s “inner-circle.”

Anders kept his promise to Fenris, and maintained his focus on healing, sending wave after wave of healing magic to anyone and everyone who seemed to need it, but keeping an especially close eye on Fenris, who always dove head first into battle, attacking with his massive sword, cutting a swath of death in his wake.

Anders was relieved that the other mages were casting barriers in front of Fenris and the other warriors and rogues, while throwing as many offensive spells at the demon horde as well, all while continuing their pursuit of Corypheus deeper into the ruins.

All of a sudden, a large part of the ruins lifted up into the sky, separating most of the party from the Inquisitor. They were helpless to follow and could only watch as flashes of red and green emanated from the top of the floating ruins.

Clearly the Inquisitor was engaging with Corypheus now and it would only be a matter of time to see who came out victorious. For their sake they hoped the Inquisitor had prepared enough for this confrontation because a world ruled by Corypheus was not a world anyone wanted to live in.

Time dragged on and more demons came, distracting them from the floating structure. They fought on and Fenris noticed the mages beginning to rely more on their lyrium potions as their mana reserves began run low. Even Anders was downing them as he tried to keep up with everyone’s injuries, keeping them healed and healthy for battle.

“ _Fasta Vass!_ ” Fenris heard Dorian cry out, “I’m out of lyrium.” The rest of the mages pretty soon were out as well, and tried to take turns resting to recoup what mana they could before getting back into battle. Fenris and Blackwall were taking on more damage now as they began to fight more cautiously than before, keeping a closer eye on the more vulnerable mages. Healing potions were now being used more as even Anders began to falter, having also run out of lyrium.

Then, without warning, a bright green light spiked up into the sky, into the breach itself, finally sealing it. The distraction allowed a demon to slip past their flagging defenses and come right at them. It was nearly on Fenris before he realized it, but thankfully managed to side step it and attack, taking it out in one powerful swing of his sword.

Then … the sky began to fall.

Everyone scrambled for cover as the floating ruins came crashing down around them. Fenris dove out of the way as a particularly large section of ruin was descending towards him. He hit the ground, rolled and was back on his feet in mere seconds, the rubble barely missing him. As the dust began to settle, Fenris looked around wildly … where was Anders? He had been standing behind them to the left just a moment ago, but … he couldn’t see him anywhere.

“Anders!?” Fenris cried out, trying to dodge more raining debris as he rushed to where the mage had stood. _No … no … no … no …_ “No!!!” he cried out. He found Anders, lying broken and bloodied beneath a collapsed pile of rubble.

Fenris began to try and dig Anders out as the others rushed over to help. Dorian used what mana he had left to cast a force magic spell to help move the larger boulders up and away from Anders body. The mage was unconscious, barely breathing, seemingly near death.

Fenris gathered the mage into his arms carefully, openly weeping, “Anders! Anders wake up. Don’t you leave me, fool mage!”

Vivienne rushed forward, using what little mana she had left, calling upon her healing abilities so she could to assess the damage and try and heal Anders as best as she could. As a Knight-Enchanter she could heal, but not as effectively as a Spirit Healer could.

“Hold him still,” Vivienne said “His injuries are severe. He was nearly crushed completely under those rocks. I will do what I can, but I’m not sure it will be enough. My mana is just too low!”

Fenris held Anders as still as possible, tears streaming down his face.

_No … not again. Not like this. Could fate truly be this cruel?_

Vivienne continued to do what she could to stabilize Anders’ condition, but there was little she could do in their present state. They had to get Anders back to Skyhold immediately.

Soon the Inquisitor and the rest of their party arrived. Their faces dropped as soon as they saw Anders and Fenris, their victory all of a sudden feeling somewhat hollow.

They stabilized Anders as best as they could, and then Fenris and Vivienne took him back to Skyhold upon the back of Morrigan, still transformed in her dragon form. Anders would not have survived a slow trek by foot, carried on a litter, back to the Inquisition fortress.

Once back at Skyhold, they immediately took Anders to the infirmary, and fed him healing and rejuvenation potions, while Vivienne spent as much time as she could trying to mend his internal injuries now that she had access to enough lyrium to keep her mana reserves up. It took several hours, but Vivienne managed to repair all the critical internal injuries – and there had been very many of them. Anders had been lucky not to have died instantly.

However, despite her best efforts, Anders remained in a coma and Fenris refused to leave his side. He practically had to be forced to eat and they brought in a second cot next to Anders’ so the elf would get some sleep.

Despite the second cot, Fenris often could be found lying next to Anders, holding him, stroking his hair, one of his hands entwined in Anders’. Fenris kept whispering in Anders’ ear “Please wake up, mage. Please, please, don’t leave me, _Amatus_.”

Losing Hawke was bad enough, but losing Anders now, after finally coming to terms with how much they cared for each other … Fenris finally understood why Anders had been so distraught and near death when he’d found him. He realized that what Anders had felt for Hawke must be what he felt for Anders now.

Fenris finally realized … he was _in_ _love_ with Anders. Truly, madly and deeply.

Losing Anders now would be the end of him. He knew it. As every day slipped by and Anders didn’t wake, slowly slipping closer to death … Fenris felt himself slipping closer to death as well.

If Anders died, Fenris didn’t want to live anymore...


	11. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders recovers from his injuries, and gets frustrated at Fenris' over protectiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that require warnings, things get a tiny bit rough - in a good way.

Two weeks after Corypheus was defeated and sent back into the Fade by the Inquisitor, Anders finally opened his eyes. Looking up, he had to blink to clear his blurred vision a few times before a very gaunt, disheveled Fenris came into view.

“Hey,” Anders said hoarsely.

“Anders,” Fenris started, having nearly nodded off. He surged forward, enveloping Anders into his arms. Tears of joy streamed down his faced as he breathed into Anders’ ear. “Thank the Maker!”

“Since when did you get so devout?” Anders tried to tease, before coughing.

“Since I nearly lost you, _mage_.” Fenris said sternly, while trying to prop Anders up to give him some water to drink.

Anders drank the water greedily. “What happened exactly? I remember fighting lots of demons and then nothing. Corypheus?”

“Corypheus was sent back to the Fade. When he was gone all his power keeping the ruins floating ended, and everything came crashing down. You were buried in part of the falling rubble, nearly crushed.” Fenris brushed some of Anders hair from his forehead, before placing a tender kiss.

“Well then no wonder I feel like I’ve been run over by a dragon,” Anders quipped, and coughed again when he tried to laugh.

“It’s not funny,” Fenris huffed. “You’ve been unconscious for over 2 weeks now. We thought you might never wake up!”

Anders heart clenched when he heard the worry in Fenris’ voice. He wrapped his arms around him, holding the elf close. “I did wake up. I wasn’t ready to be at the Maker’s side just yet. A part of me knew you still needed me. I’m sorry it took me so long to come back to you.”

Fenris leaned down and placed another kiss on Anders’ forehead, crawling into the bed next to him, just enjoying being held. He had feared for so long that he would never feel Anders’ arms around him again. He nuzzled his head below Ander’s chin and finally allowed himself to relax, drifting off to sleep.

Vivienne came to check on Anders not long after and found Fenris asleep in the mage’s arms, while Anders was awake and softly stroking the elf’s hair.

“You’ve finally woken up, you had us all worried,” Vivienne said. “Let me check you over again, to make sure there was no permanent damage, but I think now you just need fluids and food more than anything else.”

“Fenris? Wake up … Vivienne wants to check me over, alright?” Anders gently shook Fenris awake.

Fenris started awake, embarrassed he’d allowed himself to drift off like that. “Oh, yes … I’m sorry I had not intended on falling asleep,” Fenris said with a yawn, slowly getting up.

After a thorough check Vivienne declared that Anders injuries seemed to have completely mended, and he just needed to get some food and water into him. One of the infirmary assistants brought Anders a bowl of thin porridge and more water. Fenris took up the task of feeding Anders as he had so many months before.

Once Anders had eaten what he could manage, they got some soldiers to carry him on a litter back to the quarters he shared with Fenris, Vivienne happy to free up a private bed after two weeks. Since Anders was out of commission, Vivienne stepped in to help the Infirmary, and she had quickly taken over.

Once back in their quarters, Anders was propped up in their large four-poster bed with lots of pillows and blankets. Fenris took over his care, making sure the mage got plenty of food and rest as he regained his strength.

It took another week for Anders to be strong enough to get up and about, and even then he still required frequent rests. Despite that, he still insisted on going to the infirmary and helping to heal any patients he could, even if it was only for an hour or two each day.

Anders continued dedication and selflessness only deepened Fenris’ new found, and yet unspoken, love for Anders. Fenris stayed at his side and assisted him as much as possible. He was unwilling to let Anders out of his sight for even a moment. Thankfully now that the biggest threat had been eliminated, the need for Fenris to help train a growing army was less, and Cullen and the Inquisitor were happy to allow Fenris to stay closer to Anders for the time being.

Anders noticed how carefully Fenris was treating him, like he was some fragile porcelain doll that would break at any moment. They hadn’t made love again since the night before the fight against Corypheus and Anders was beginning to feel a little frustrated. His strength was nearly recovered now, but Fenris kept all his touches and kisses chaste.

One evening as they were preparing for bed, Anders decided it was time he took the initiative. They were both half-naked, changing into their sleeping clothes when Anders walked up behind Fenris, encircling his arms around the elf’s shoulders, kissing him along the nape of his neck, and then slowly turning him around to give Fenris a heated, passionate kiss.

At first Fenris responded to the kiss, but then slowly pushed away the mage, shaking his head. “You’re still recovering.”

“I am recovered Fenris. Right now I just _want you_ ,” Anders said suggestively.

“I … I don’t want to hurt you,” Fenris stammered.

“You won’t,” Anders purred, trying to pull Fenris close again.

Fenris looked at Anders, remembering again how close he came to losing him. He allowed Anders to pull him into an embrace. He clung to his mage, burying his face into the crook of his neck. Then all his struggle to stay strong melted, and he found himself weeping.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Anders asked, pulling back. Anders looked deep into Fenris’ emerald eyes, cupping his, wiping away tears with his thumbs. He pulled Fenris over to the bed and sat down, pulling the smaller elf onto his lap. “Come on, after all we’ve been through together, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

Fenris nodded, but the words didn’t want to come. All he could do was bury his face again and sob, clinging to Anders again. Anders just held him, whispering words of comfort, massaging small circles on Fenris’ back, trying to calm the elf.

Finally Fenris took a long, shuddering breath and looked up at Anders again. He felt slightly ashamed at his blatant show of emotion. His hands came up and traced over Anders’ face, as if trying to memorize every detail.

“Tell me what’s wrong Fenris … _please._ ”

“I thought I’d lost you. You were so close to dying … and I came to realize that if you died, I didn’t want to go on living anymore. That made me realize how much ... “he hesitated, and then looked into Anders’ warm brown eyes. “ _...I love you._ ”

Anders’ eyes at first went wide with surprise, but then quickly softened as he smiled down at the elf on his lap. “Oh Fenris, you silly elf, I love you too.” Anders bent his head down letting his lips brush against Fenris’ “... so very much,” he breathed before claiming the elf’s mouth, pouring as much love and devotion as he could into his kiss.

Fenris’ heart clenched at the words, returning Anders’ kiss with an equal amount of emotion of his own, pulling himself closer into the mage’s embrace.

Fenris looked up at Anders again. “After we lost Hawke, I thought I understood. Then we found each other, as impossible as that was and now I’m terrified of losing you, of doing anything that might bring you harm.”

Anders smiled warmly at Fenris. “I guarantee, making love to me won’t harm me.” Anders’ smile turned into a mischievous grin. “although I might have to harm you if you don’t make love to me very soon.”

Anders then grabbed Fenris and lifted him up, and gently dropped him on his back onto the bed, and began tickling the elf mercilessly. Fenris howled with laughter for a moment before crying out. “Mercy! Anders, Mercy!”

Anders stopped tickling and began caressing instead, looking down at the beautiful elf that he loved. The elf who loved him. He removed the rest of their clothing and began to kiss and caress every inch of Fenris, worshipping his beautiful form.

Fenris reached up and pulled Anders into deep, passionate kiss, his will power completely eroded. He loved how much Anders desired him.

“Fenris, love … I want you … _please_.”

With a growl, Fenris surged up, pushing Anders back onto the bed, with a sexy grin on his face. “Like this?” Fenris asked, kissing the mage harder, moving himself between Anders’ legs.

A look of pure lust came over Anders’ face, and he thrust his hips up at Fenris. “Oh Maker, yes!”

Fenris kissed Anders again, trying not to be too eager, when Anders grabbed him by the back of the neck and kissed back almost brutally. “You won’t hurt me, Fenris. I do sometimes enjoy it a little rough. Please … take me. Mark me. Make me yours again.”

Fenris growled again, this time not holding back, giving the mage a rough, brutal kiss, still holding his arms pinned above his head. Fenris reached down and stroked Anders’ cock, eliciting a deep moan of pleasure from the mage.

Continuing his strokes, he growled into Anders’ ear. “Tell me what you want mage. What exactly do you want me to do to you?”

Anders was already panting, and hearing Fenris’ talk so forcefully made him ache with need. “I want you to fuck me. I want to feel every inch of you pounding into me so hard I’ll walk funny tomorrow. Want to feel you cum so deep inside. Please, _Fenris_.”

Fenris groaned at hearing Anders’ words. They set him aflame and he wasn’t able to restrain himself any longer. He let go one of Anders’ hands for a moment so the mage could weave the spell required, and Fenris dipped his fingers into the slick now cupped in the mage’s hand.

Fenris quickly prepared his lover, marking his shoulder with a bite as he helped loosen the mage’s entrance. When Fenris was sure he’d prepared enough, he took the rest of the offered slick and carefully coated his cock with it, groaning at the touch.

“Legs on my shoulders,” Fenris ordered, Anders complying quickly, need and lust shining in his eyes.

Knowing what Anders had begged him for, Fenris lined himself up and plunged himself into the mage in one swift, long stroke, while grabbing the free arm and pinning it above Anders’ head again. He didn’t give the mage much time to adjust, setting a hard, brutal pace.

Fenris bent low to growl into Anders’ ear. “Is this what you needed, _Amatus_? To be fucked hard into the mattress? To feel every inch of my cock pounding inside you?”

“Yes! Oh Maker! Fenris … _my love_ … yes. Please, I need more. _Please_.”

Fenris began to thrust even harder, knowing he’d be leaving bruises but wanting to satisfy the desperate need his lover had. He wasn’t going to last much longer now, and he grasped Anders’ cock, stroking it firmly. Fenris could feel it harden even more and swell, knowing that Anders was close as well now.

“ _Amatus_ , cum for me,” Fenris breathed into Anders’ ear.

Hearing those words undid the mage completely, and he came in thick hot spurts, his back arching off the mattress, screaming Fenris’ name.

Anders’ climax enveloped Fenris’ cock, squeezing it exquisitely. A few more hard, pounding thrusts and Fenris came, hot and wet, deep inside his mage.

The pair collapsed, panting, next to each other. Once recovered enough, Fenris got up and got a cloth and some water. He came back and gently washed the sticky mess off of Anders and then himself. The gentleness after the near brutality of their coupling was a nice contrast and it caused Anders heart to clench again as he saw all the love and tenderness in Fenris’ eyes.

They snuggled together in the afterglow of their very passionate lovemaking, caressing, kissing, and not wanting this tender moment to end. Fenris couldn’t live without Anders in his life. He wanted Anders to never doubt his love and he wanted the entire world to know that Anders was _his mage_ , and his alone.

As Fenris nuzzled into Anders’ chest, his heart swelled with his love for this man. His mage. Without really thinking it through, he made a decision right then. Fenris sat up and looked down at Anders. Taking Anders hands in his he asked him. “Will you marry me _, Amatus_?”

Anders sat up, looking surprised. “Marry you? That’s a bit sudden, isn’t it?”

Fenris laughed. “Yes, I suppose it is, but I don’t want to wait. I nearly lost you. I want to declare my love to you in front of the whole world. I don’t want to wait and regret not sharing that with you before something else happens.”

“You do realize that would go against every chantry law in the books, right? First of all we’re both male, not to mention I’m a mage, and an apostate at that. Then there’s the entire thing about you being an elf. Who do you think we’d get to marry the pair of us?”

“The Chantry is reforming, you know that. Now that Leliana is the new Divine, who knows what changes could be made. Can you imagine Leliana denying this of us? She seemed positively tickled when she saw us holding hands after our first night together.” Fenris cupped Anders’ face, and looked at him tenderly. “I just want us to make a commitment to each other. I love you, Anders and I want the world to know it.”

Anders looked at Fenris with so much love in that moment. “Alright then. Let’s talk to the Inquisitor about this tomorrow. Perhaps he can help.”

Fenris searched Anders’ eyes. “Are you saying yes?”

“Yes, you silly elf. Yes, I will marry you!” Anders pulled Fenris into a long, lingering kiss, filled with future promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will admit, I was feeling the need for a bit of kink today. I know there's a harsh contrast here, but it fits into my head canon for them.


	12. Precedents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders and Fenris try to get Chantry approval to get married.

The next day, Anders and Fenris asked to speak with the Inquisitor privately. They hoped if they could get his blessing of their union, the Chantry might be inclined to as well.

“So, you two want to get married, to each other?” Trevelyan asked.

“Yes, Inquisitor,” Fenris replied, holding Anders hand. “We know it’s highly unusual, but we’d hoped with your support, the new Divine might consider it?”

“Well, Leliana is more open minded, this is true. But two males? A human and an elf? And one of you a mage? You’ll be setting a lot of precedents all at once if we pull this off,” Trevelyan grinned. “Let’s do it!”

It felt like an eternity since they had sent a crow to Orlais to propose the matter to Leliana … or rather the new Divine Victoria. They knew she would have to consider the implications of allowing Fenris and Anders to marry, with the Chantry’s blessing, very carefully.

It would be one thing to allow two men to marry in the eyes of the Maker. If only things were quite that simple. However with Fenris being an elf, and Anders being a mage, it made the entire proposition that much more complicated.

Elves may no longer be slaves to humans outside of the Tevininter Imperium, but they were still considered second class citizens, at best. Also, mages had been forbidden to marry under Chantry law, and technically forbidden to produce children, although that still happened on occasion. Such children were always taken away from their mothers and raised by the Chantry. If the off spring were shown to have magical talents they would be sent to a circle away from their parents, otherwise they would end up in the Templar order once they were old enough.

Neither Fenris nor Anders were particularly religious, but it somehow felt right to want to push the issue of marriage with the Chantry. It certainly fed into Anders’ desire to help change the world, and this would definitely lead to yet another shift for many in Thedas.

Bedding an elf, or a mage or even two men finding pleasure in each other, was not unheard of and certainly not taboo. Marriage, however, was a completely different thing. In many parts of Thedas, marriage was for procreation, to unite families, or to increase power and prestige. Often times the marriages were arranged and the brides and grooms had little choice in the matter, especially in Tevinter.

Dorian had rejected the notion outright and ran from his family in order to avoid the blood ritual that would have attempted to make him desire a woman, and therefore bed the bride his parents had arranged for him. When Fenris learned of that, his attitude towards Dorian softened, although he still growled possessively if Dorian ever got too close to Anders.

Finally, two months after the crow had been sent to Orlais, a large contingent arrived at Skyhold, at the head was the Divine Victoria herself.

She immediately summoned for the Inquisitor, Fenris and Anders and instructed they meet with her in the War Room. After they all arrived they stood around the War Table, as the Divine paced before them.

“I have given your request due consideration,” she began, looking very serious. “There were many factors for me to consider. There are many who would rally against these precedents being set. We may even risk war with Tevinter itself.”

Fenris and Anders took each other’s hand, bracing for the rejection of their request.

Then a glint of humor came into the Divine’s eye, and she took a deep breath. “So let them come. Let them rally. Let them prepare for war. We have a wedding to plan!”

Fenris and Anders couldn’t believe their ears, and hugged each other at the news.

“Thank you, your Eminence,” said Anders. “I think you just made me the happiest mage, ever.”

“Yes, thank you, your Eminence,” repeated Fenris. “You may have just restored my faith in the Chantry and the Maker.”

***

Skyhold was a bustle with activity for the next two months in preparation for the wedding. This wasn't going to be some quiet little ceremony. Oh no - for a precedent setting occasion such as this, the Inquisition pulled out all the stops.

Exotic flowers were delivered almost daily, along with food and fine wine, especially Fenris’ favorite - Aggregio Pavali, straight from Tevinter itself. Absolutely everyone was invited, including the leaders of all nations.

King Alistair of Ferelden came personally to congratulate the happy couple, and to talk to Anders privately. Anders still remembered the man, when a lifetime ago he had agreed to allow his Queen, the Hero of Ferelden to conscript him into the Grey Wardens, effectively preventing the Templars from dragging him back to the Circle and saving him from being made tranquil.

Alistair looked sternly at Anders. “You know the First Warden in Weisshaupt still isn’t happy about your desertion from the Grey Wardens … and yet even he sends his heartfelt congratulations to you and your groom.”

Anders let out a sigh of relief, thinking that perhaps Alistair would ship him off to Weisshaupt for punishment. Not that Fenris would let him if he had any say in the matter (and Fenris would have had much to say in the matter).

Alistair gave him a clap on the back and said with a wink “Congratulations. Glad you finally found someone to make you want to stop running.”

“I never had a chance to thank you, Your Highness. If you hadn’t allowed me to be conscripted that day, I would have been set to the brand. I owe you my life and my freedom,” Anders said gratefully.

“I knew what the Templars had planned for you and I always hated that practice. I knew the Grey Wardens would be a way to save you from that fate. While I may not have liked your methods, it’s mostly because of you that we can now find a better way for mages. You deserve your freedom after all that,” Alistair said sincerely.

Alistair then became more somber. “Have you told him?”

Anders knew what Alistair was referring to, seeing as they both shared the secrets of the Grey Wardens. “No, I haven’t. I don’t know how to even bring it up.”

Alistair sighed. “It’s difficult, loving someone so much, only to know you may only have a few short years with them. I still regret letting my wife go off on some fools’ errand trying to find a cure that may not exist.”

Anders couldn’t imagine being separated from his love for so long. He didn’t hold out hope that cure could ever be found.

“Well, don’t let me rain on your parade. Tomorrow is your wedding day and you should enjoy it. Enjoy every single moment you two have together.” Alistair then turned and walked off, back towards the pre-wedding festivities.

Fenris arrived just as the King left. “What was that all about?”

Anders explained how he knew Alistair, and shared with Fenris that the King had actually praised the results of his efforts in Kirkwall, tears of joy welling in his eyes. “I … I never thought anyone would actually … praise me for all that.”

Fenris thought for a moment, “He was right though. Look at how different mages are already being treated? The Divine is making great strides for mage freedom now, and none of this would have happened if it weren’t for your actions in Kirkwall. I suppose Justice was right, in many ways.”

“Yes, I suppose he was. I hope he’s happy being back in the Fade.”

“Do you ever miss him? His presence?” Fenris asked

“Maker no,” Anders replied “when we were first separated I did feel a sense of loss, an emptiness inside that I couldn’t fill, but no I’ve never actually missed him.” Anders kissed Fenris’ forehead. “Especially not when you were there to help fill the void he left behind. And so much more deliciously than he ever could.”

***

The big day finally arrived and Anders couldn’t have been happier. He never thought he’d ever get to marry, much less marry a gorgeous male elf.

They were to hold the ceremony in the Great Hall. The small chapel in Skyhold was too small to hold the amount of guest that had arrived. The most surprising of all was the Archon of Tevinter, and many people remained wary of his presence, especially Dorian. They needn’t have worried. He was surprisingly supportive of the entire proceedings, much to Dorian’s own delight. Perhaps, there was a chance for change even in Tevinter as well.

The ceremony was to be short, followed by a grand reception in a large room in the main keep that had been transformed into a ballroom for the occasion.

As this entire union was a bit … unorthodox, the ceremony was to be as well. The Inquisitor, Cullen, Dorian and Varric were their groomsmen, and Cullen was to sing as they walked down the aisle. Anders was dressed in beautiful new robes, snow white and trimmed with gold. Fenris wore a handsome suit of black and silver leather, still barefoot as he always preferred. As they walked each other down the aisle, Cullen sang the traditional wedding song, his beautiful rendition bringing tears to many eyes.

Then Anders and Fenris were standing before the Divine Victoria herself, who decided to stay and officiate the ceremony herself. She wanted to be clear that she wasn’t just giving tacit approval of this union. She wholeheartedly encouraged it.

***

Off to the side, Dorian began to weep silently. Cullen, who stood next to him, looked concerned, and whispered into the mage’s ear. “Is anything the matter?”

“This is all so beautiful. I never thought I’d see the day when two men could not only be together in an open, loving relationship, but also to be able to wed,” Dorian whispered, wiping tears, smudging the kohl from beneath his eyes.

“You, would want something like this, some day?” Cullen asked, sounding surprised. He had always assumed the handsome mage was more into having quick trysts than a serious relationship.

“I have always longed for the day when I can find a man who loves me, but I never even dared hope of the possibility of marriage,” the mage sniffled.

Cullen reached out and took Dorian’s hand, and pressed his lips to the mage’s fingers, blushing as he did so. Dorian looked at his friend and chess partner with surprise.

“Let’s talk later,” Cullen said softly. He continued to hold Dorian’s hand throughout the rest of the ceremony.

***

The Divine Victoria completed her benediction. “Now the happy couple have prepared some vows they wish to recite.”

Fenris began, holding out the ring for Anders’ left hand as he spoke. “Anders, I never thought I’d find love, much less with a mage, and yet I have found more love with you than words can ever convey. I plan to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you. Will you let me do so, _Amatus_?”

“I will,” Anders responded with a smile, tears of joy beginning to well in his eyes, as Fenris placed the ring on his finger.

Anders then pulled out an identical ring. “I know I’ve made many bad decisions in my life, and I’ve run away from many of my obligations. I stand here as a testament to our love and pledge to never run away from you, and to let you counsel me to help me make wiser decisions in the future. I love you with every fiber of my being and I will walk at your side until the Maker takes me from this life. Will you allow me to do so?”

“I will,” responded Fenris.

The Divine Victoria smiled and declared “You may kiss … the groom!”

Fenris and Anders kissed each other in front of everyone. They tried to keep the kiss chaste, but it quickly became a bit passionate as they completely forgot about everyone else around them, getting lost within each other … until they heard a quiet “ahem” from the Divine. They quickly broke apart and looked up at her and blushed before turning and waving to the cheering audience.

*******

Later, at the reception, Dorian pulled Cullen aside. “So, you said we would talk later? What was with that kiss you placed on my hand, and then holding my hand through the ceremony?”

Cullen looked at Dorian and blushed again. “It was a promise.”

“A promise of what exactly?” Dorian asked.

“A promise to do this,” Cullen said huskily, as he closed in on Dorian and kissed him soundly.

After they pulled apart, all Dorian could respond with was “Oh!” before pulling the Commander in closer for another kiss.

***

Anders couldn’t help but look at his gorgeously handsome husband throughout the evening. After everything he’d done, after every mistake he’d made in life, he didn’t feel like he deserved this happiness.

He had loved Hawke … loved him enough to nearly die trying to reach whatever might have been left of him in the Fade. Yet, Anders couldn’t remember ever being _this_ happy, even with Hawke. Perhaps it was because Anders felt so guilty, forcing Hawke to give up everything he’d worked for in Kirkwall, in order to go on the run with him. Also, Justice had never approved of Hawke, deeming him an unnecessary distraction.

Now with Justice gone, Anders was free to be himself, and to love without guilt.

Fenris noticed Anders looking at him with eyes filled with love and devotion all evening. It was hard to miss as he looked back at his beautiful husband with much the same look. They had come a long way from their days of fighting and bickering, arguing over mage rights and all that nonsense.

For years Fenris had refused to allow himself to get to know Anders, just seeing him as yet another mage. A weak one at that, one that had allowed himself to be possessed.

A part of Fenris had always known there were hidden depths to the mage, even back then. The way he selflessly helped anyone who needed it in his darktown clinic back in Kirkwall. The way he cared about practically everyone else’s well-being before his own. Hawke wouldn’t have loved Anders if there hadn’t been more to the mage than Fenris had been willing to see.

Now that he did know the man that Anders really was, he would stand beside him and defend him until his dying breath. He was his _Amatus_ , his beloved, now and forever.

The reception continued late into the evening, everyone in Skyhold taking advantage of the celebration to let loose and have fun. There was plenty of food, drink, music and dancing.

One of the highlights of the evening was when Cullen once again sang, this time for the happy couple’s first dance. Everyone’s eyes in the reception hall were glued to the happy couple, who to be honest, _swayed_ together more than _danced_. The love song that they had chosen brought tears to many eyes as Cullen’s beautiful voice filled the hall.

***

What many didn’t see was the fact that Cullen wasn’t looking at the couple as he sang, but instead was looking straight at Dorian, who blushed profusely as he heard the beautiful love song, filled with so much promise, coming from this man he had secretly loved for so long. He wept not for the joy of the newly wedded couple, but for the possibilities and promises Cullen had been whispering to him all evening.

***

Finally, with all the pomp and circumstance out of the way, Anders and Fenris were ushered onto an elaborately decorated litter, festooned with flowers, and were carried back to their quarters. The reception was to continue well into the wee hours of the morning, but the happy couple had their wedding night yet to look forward to.

Anders snuggled happily with Fenris in the litter, whispering words of love to his new husband and Fenris practically purred with contentment in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you hoping for wedding night fluffy smut ... that will be in tomorrow's chapter. :)


	13. Marital Bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders and Fenris enjoy their first night together as a married couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much fluffy smut!

When the litter finally arrived at their quarters, Anders got out first and insisted on carrying Fenris over the threshold. Fenris huffed a bit but then smiled as Anders picked him up and carried him through the door into their quarters.

As they entered the glowing light of dozens of candles greeted them. A fire was crackling warm in the hearth, and a bottle of the finest Orlesian champagne had been left, with two glasses, on their nightstand.

A hot bubble bath had also been drawn in the large clawed tub that stood in the corner of the room.

A note left on the bed read:

_To the Happy Couple_

_We hope you have a wonderful wedding night. Feel free to sleep in tomorrow._

_M.T._

“Welcome home, husband,” Anders said with a blush, pulling Fenris into a passionate kiss, finally having the freedom to lose himself in his lovers embrace.

“I think I’ll like hearing you call me that, _Amatus_ ,” Fenris breathed before deepening the kiss more, pulling his husband close enough to feel his heart beat.

Without breaking their kiss, they began to slowly remove their wedding clothes, wanting to feel each other’s skin, to touch and be touched _everywhere_.

Once completely bare, Anders led Fenris to the bath, re-heating it a bit with his magic as he climbed in, pulling Fenris in with him. Fenris settled into Anders’ arms, his back pressed against the mage’s chest. At first they just enjoyed the heat of the water as it relaxed their bodies. Then Anders began to nuzzle Fenris, kissing and licking the crook of his neck, up to his sensitive ear, slowly sucking the tip into his mouth, making the elf groan.

“I love you so much Fen,” Anders breathed into his lover’s ear.

Fenris turned his head and pulled Anders into another kiss, as Anders’ hands began roaming down Fenris’ body, caressing every inch he could reach, letting his hand brush against Fenris’ erection, causing the elf to arch and moan into his husband’s touch.

“I want to make you feel so good, my love,” Anders purred, “tell me what you want.”

Fenris turned until he was able to look at Anders. Cupping his face, caressing his cheek with his thumb, he leaned in and kissed Anders again, deep and slow. He then breathed against his lover’s lips “I want _you_. Make love to me _Amatus_.”

Anders returned the kiss and looked tenderly at Fenris. “Are you sure, my love?” He had to ask, needed to ask, remembering Fenris’ stories of his past, of what Danarius had done to him.

“Yes, please _Amatus_. I’ve wanted this … wanted you … inside me … for a long time. I’ve … been afraid. I am afraid no longer.”

Anders pulled Fenris into a slow, tender kiss, before indicating they should get out of the bath tub. He then grabbed one of the fluffy towels that had been laid out for them and began drying off Fenris, slowly, worshipping every inch of skin he caressed with the towel. He then picked up the elf and carried him over to the bed, cradling him in his arms, peppering more kisses along his skin.

Anders laid Fenris onto the bed gently. “I’m going to take my time. I want this to feel good for you, my love. If it ever doesn’t, let me know and we’ll stop.” Fenris nodded

Anders crawled up next to Fenris, touching, caressing, kissing, and drawing out long moans of pleasure from his gorgeous elf. He slowly kissed his way from lips to neck, before licking and sucking on nipples, bringing them to stiff attention, making Fenris arch into his touch.

Anders continued worshipping Fenris’ body with his mouth and hands, massaging muscles, caressing, licking, kissing, making Fenris go boneless and pliant beneath his touch.

Anders slowly spread Fenris’ legs, causing the elf’s cock to twitch with interest. Anders grinned at that before positioning himself between his lovers legs. He began by licking and sucking the tip of Fenris’ weeping cock, before giving a long, languid lick along the underside, and then finally swallowing the entire length whole. He held Fenris’ hips firmly in place to keep him from bucking deeper into his throat, and just enjoyed pleasuring his husband for a few more moments.

Anders pulled back before Fenris could cum into his mouth, causing the elf to whimper with want and need.

“Please, _Amatus_ … “ Fenris almost whined.

Anders smiled “Soon, my love.”

The mage took his lover’s legs and hooked them over his shoulders, lifting him and placing pillows beneath his hips before continuing. He then licked and sucked the elf’s scrotum, then began to lick below it, slowly until he was licking at Fenris’ entrance.

Fenris’ breath hitched at the sensation, having not expected it, before moaning wantonly as he felt the warm, wet heat of his lover’s tongue. The sensation was beyond divine and had the elf arching into the tongue, wanting more. True to his husband’s word, Fenris was starting to feel very, very good.

Anders continued to run his warm soft tongue around Fenris’ entrance, licking the sensitive, puckered flesh, slowly pushing, probing with his tongue until the tip breached the ring of muscle, causing Fenris to make a sharp intake of breath, followed by a low groan of pleasure. Fenris could feel Anders’ smile as he continued licking, knowing he had succeeded in making this pleasurable for his beloved.

Fenris then detected the soft thrum of magic from Anders, and he produced a grease spell, and began to replace his tongue with his fingers, slowly massaging a finger against the puckered flesh, slowly breaching past the tight muscle. Slowly, with comforting words, Anders thrust first one, two and finally three fingers inside, starting a rhythm he hoped to continue with another appendage soon.

As Anders continued to thrust his fingers in and out of his lover, he rose himself up to capture Fenris’ mouth in a heated kiss, just as his fingers found Fenris’ prostate and began to slowly massage that spot. Fenris moaned into Anders’ kiss, arching his back in pleasure.

“ _Amatus, now, please_ ,” Fenris begged.

“Alright, my love. Are you ready for me?” Anders asked gently.

“By the Maker, yes! _Please_!” Fenris nearly growled.

Anders smirked, producing another grease spell to make sure he was properly slicked before positioning himself again between his husband’s legs, aiming his almost-too-hard erection at the puckered entrance of his lover, slowly pushing forward until the head breached.

Fenris felt this delicious pleasure begin to build as Anders slowly sank into him. This was nothing like how he had remembered it from his time as a slave. There had been no pleasure then, only pain.

Fenris refocused back on the present, on the beautiful things Anders did to his body, focusing on the pleasure emanating from where they were joined. He looked up into Anders’ eyes, getting lost into those dark, blown out pupils, reflecting all the love, lust and pleasure he felt.

Anders was finally fully seated within Fenris and he paused, allowing him to adjust to his pleasurable intrusion. “Are you okay, my love?” Anders asked, noting Fenris brief frown.

“Yes, _Amatus_ ,” Fenris nodded, unable to find the words to say more.

Anders bent over to capture Fenris in another kiss. He loved kissing, almost as much as he loved sex, and kissing during sex was the best of both worlds for the mage.

Anders kept his kiss slow and sweet as he began to move slowly in and out of Fenris, making slow, sweet love to his new husband. The act was so full of love and tenderness, that tears began to wet Fenris’ cheeks.

Anders kissed the tears away, stilling for a moment, “too much love?”

“No, _Amatus_ , it’s just … it’s perfect … please … don’t stop.”

Anders began moving a little faster now, being driven by his own need. His hand slid down Fenris’ thigh and wrapped around Fenris’ hard length, stroking in time with his renewed thrusts. Fenris’ cries of pleasure increased, arching into Anders’ thrusts, hips trying to match the rhythm.

Anders could tell Fenris was close now, his balls tightening up towards his body, cock twitching in his grip. He leaned down again and whispered into his lover’s ear “cum for me, my love.”

Hearing the words sent Fenris over the edge, his entire world bursting into a white-hot center of pleasure as he came, spurting over Anders’ hand, clenching and convulsing around the cock driving hard and fast into his core.

Anders didn’t last much longer, feeling the elf’s orgasm clenching around his own arousal, he screamed Fenris’ name as he came deep inside, spreading warm wetness as he thrust a few more times through his orgasm.

Anders collapsed next to Fenris, breathing hard. The elf gathered him up into his arms, holding him close. “Thank you, _Amatus._ My love, my life. That was amazing. You are so good to me.”

Anders looked up at him. “Anything for you my love, I owe you everything and I plan to repay you every day for the rest of my life.”

Snuggling in each other’s arms, they contentedly drifted into a light slumber together, filled with happy daydreams of their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who has liked and followed this story so far. There is perhaps one more chapter and possibly an epilogue left to go.


	14. Calling's End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders worries about the Calling, and goes to speak to Enchanter Fiona.

Anders approached Enchanter Fiona nervously. He’d learned that she had once been a Grey Warden, but was somehow cleansed of the taint and saved from the Calling that all Grey Wardens must one day succumb to.

It felt like a lifetime ago since Anders was conscripted into the Grey Wardens. So much had happened in the twelve or more years since. At the time he was elated to join the order, meaning he might finally remain free from the Circle of Magi permanently. He didn’t find out until after the Joining that it could very well have ended his life, and most certainly had shortened it.

At the time it didn’t bother him at all, knowing he’d only get another twenty or thirty years of life. If he had gone back to the Circle, he would have been either executed or made tranquil, and either way his life would have been over.

However, now that Anders had finally found his purpose as a healer for the Inquisition, and the love of his life was at his side, the knowledge of his shortened lifespan gnawed on him. He’d been afraid to tell Fenris the truth and it was weighing heavily on his conscience now.

“Enchanter Fiona, may we speak privately?” he asked as he approached the former Grey Warden.

Fiona nodded and led him to her room, where they could speak without being overheard. As she closed the door she asked. “So, what do you wish to speak with me about, Anders?”

“Well, I’d heard that you were once a Grey Warden, but that somehow the taint was cleansed from you somehow? Is that true?” Anders asked.

“Yes, it is true, although to this day I do not know how it happened. The Grey Wardens even tried to redo the Joining ritual with me, and it wouldn’t take. It’s as if my body is immune to the taint now,” Fiona explained.

Anders looked fascinated. “How did you know the taint had been cleansed? Did you feel any differently?”

“The first sign for me was that I could no longer feel when Darkspawn were near, nor could I sense my fellow Grey Wardens. The best part was no longer experiencing nightmares. I don’t miss those at all,” said Fiona with a slight chuckle.

“Yeah, those nightmares are the worst. I hear they are even worse during a blight. I was lucky I wasn’t conscripted until after the fifth Blight ended,” Anders confessed.

Fiona’s eyes widened with shock. “You? You are a Grey Warden?”

“Well, I was … I suppose technically I might still be … but I ran away from the order after I allowed a Spirit to possess me and I killed the Templars and Grey Wardens that were watching me,” Anders began explaining.

Anders then told her the whole story, from all of his attempts at escaping the Circle, his conscription into the Grey Wardens at Vigil’s Keep, how he had met Justice and what the Spirit had made him do during their time joined together, all the way up to the time Solas finally separated Anders from the spirit.

Anders finished by saying, “… ever since Fenris and I became close, my nightmares had almost completely gone, and once Justice was separated from me, they went away entirely. I never understood what that meant though. I had heard the nightmares get better over time, but I didn’t think they’d ever go away entirely.”

Fiona remained in deep thought for a while before asking. “Have you been near any Grey Wardens since the spirit was removed from you?”

“No, I haven’t,” Anders replied.

“Have you encountered any Darkspawn?” she asked.

“No, definitely not. I’ve hardly left Skyhold since the defeat of Corypheus.”

“Did you hear Corypheus false Calling?” Fiona pressed.

Anders thought for a moment. “Well, I had a little bit of a scare with that before Hawke left to come and help the Inquisition. He purposely left be behind because he didn’t want me to get too close to Corypheus. He knew what Corypheus could do to me if I got too close. So yes, I did start to hear the false Calling.”

Fiona looked at him curiously.

“We knew Corypheus could control Grey Wardens because of the taint in our blood. He tried to control me when Hawke, Varric, Fenris and I killed him the first time. At least we thought we’d killed him. He seemed pretty dead to us,” Anders explained.

“Anyway,” Anders continued. “I thought I was hearing the calling just before then, and it scared the shit out of me and even more out of Hawke. It was another reason why Hawke felt he had to come and do something about Corypheus.”

“When did you stop hearing the false Calling from Corypheus?” Fiona asked next.

Anders thought back. When he first heard the soft, almost singing in his head it had terrified him. Justice had helped to push it out of his mind most of the time, in order to maintain his sanity. Then when news of Hawke’s death occurred he was so lost in grief he’d ignored it and Justice completely in his obsession to find Hawke in the Fade. Once Fenris rescued him, he had been weak for a long time, still pushing Justice back, not even realizing that Justice had been keeping the sound of the Calling from his mind.

Anders eyes went wide when he realized the sound of the Calling hadn’t returned after Justice was separated from him. Why hadn’t it returned?

Fiona looked at Anders with concern as she noted the different emotions that ran across his face. “What is it? What have you remembered?”

“Justice. The spirit that once lived inside me. He had helped take away the sound of the Calling, in order to preserve my sanity. I was out of my mind with fear for the Calling. When Justice went back into the Fade, by all rights I should have heard it again, but I didn’t.” Anders let out a shaky breath.

Could … Justice have cured him of the taint as a final gift to his old friend?

“Is there a way to test if the taint is still within my body?” Anders asked shakily.

“Come, lie down on my cot. I think I know a spell I can use to detect it,” said Fiona reassuringly.

Anders nodded and did as he was bade.

Fiona began to weave the spell she had spoken of and Anders could feel its tendrils probing through his body, searching, seeking. Fiona kept the spell probing further and deeper, wanting to make absolutely certain her suspicions were correct.

Fiona sat back, pulling the magic back and ending the spell. “I don’t know how to explain it, but you are as free of the taint as much as I am.”

“It must have been from when I was separated from Justice. He must have taken the taint from me as a final parting gift. I’m free … I’m truly free now and I hadn’t even known it. Thank you Enchanter Fiona. Thank you so much.” Anders hugged her with tears of joy streaking down his face.

Anders ran to find his beloved. He no longer had to fear telling Fenris everything.

Fenris was in the practice yard, shirtless in the summer warmth, swinging his large sword deftly into a practice dummy. Anders’ breath hitched when he saw his beautiful husband, bare chest heaving, muscles smoothly gliding as he swung his sword.

Fenris noted being watched and set his sword down to smile at Anders.

“You’re so beautiful, love,” Anders said, admiring the view.

“Don’t tell me you came all the way down here just to ogle me, _mage_?” Fenris said in mock annoyance, before breaking out in a happy grin. “Come here you foolish man.”

Anders rushed to his husband’s side and embraced him and stole a quick kiss.

From the other end of the yard Sera yelled “Get a room you two!”

“Have lunch with me, love? I have something I want to tell you,” Anders said with a happy sparkle in his eyes.

“Please, don’t tell me you’re pregnant!” Fenris joked.

Anders huffed indignantly. “You’d love it if I were, and you know it.”

They headed to the Herald’s Rest to order some stew and ale for lunch, and seated themselves at a table.

“So, what is it that you wanted to tell me?” Fenris asked, as he began digging into the hearty bowl of stew.

Anders looked at Fenris sheepishly. “There’s something I’ve been afraid to tell you, something related to my joining the Grey Wardens all those years ago.”

Fenris looked at him quizzically. “What’s that, Amatus?”

“Well, there are some things about the Grey Wardens that are held as a closely guarded secrets. We are generally told not to tell them to anyone outside of the order. That’s one reason I haven’t told you any of this. The other reason was, I didn’t want to hurt you by telling you.” Anders confessed.

“You’re starting to scare me, Anders. What is this all about?” Fenris asked with concern.

“Maker, I’m just not doing this right am I? Look, let me tell you everything first, alright? I promise everything will be fine. I just need you to know,” Anders said reassuringly, taking Fenris’ hand into his.

Fenris nodded, and Anders began.

Fenris listened as Anders told him about the Joining ritual, and how not all Grey Wardens survive it. Anders described how he’d watched with horror as the young recruit, Mhairi, die right before his eyes during his own Joining ritual. Even as a healer there was nothing he could do to save her. Anders then went on to explain why Grey Wardens are required to end a Blight. That the soul of the Archdemon seeks out the next nearest living thing with taint in their blood when it’s body is killed. If a Grey Warden isn’t near and makes the killing blow, then it will be a Darkspawn the Archdemon soul seeks out, and the Archdemon will be reborn and the Blight will continue. When the Archdemon’s soul is merged with a Grey Warden, not only is the soul destroyed, but so is the Grey Warden. They have to give the ultimate sacrifice in order to save the world.

Finally, Anders started to explain about the Calling.

“So, about twenty to thirty years after a Grey Warden undergoes the Joining, the taint finally starts to take over. You start to hear the song of the Archdemons and the compulsion to dig and find one just as the Darkspawn do becomes overwhelming. Traditionally when the Calling is heard, Grey Wardens make their way down to the Deep Roads to fight and kill as many Darkspawn as they can before being killed. If they don’t they are doomed to become a soulless ghoul.” Anders took a deep breath and noticed the horrified expression on Fenris’ face.

“How much time? Tell me Anders, how much time do you have left?!” Fenris whispered, his breathing shallow, panic building in his chest.

“That’s what I want to tell you, my love. I have all the time in the world. Justice … he gave me a wonderful gift when he left. He removed the taint from my blood. I am a Grey Warden no longer. You and I can happily grow old together,” Anders smiled at Fenris. “I had been concerned about the Calling and I went to speak with Fiona. She is the only Grey Warden I’ve met that has also been cured of the taint in her blood. We talked and she used her magic to check and confirms that I am no longer tainted, and haven’t been since Justice and I were separated.”

Fenris was speechless at first and then he rose up and rounded the table, flinging himself into Ander’s arms. Fenris began sobbing into Anders’ neck, holding his beloved close. “Don’t … don’t you ever scare me like that again. I thought you were going to tell me you were going to die soon. You know I wouldn’t survive that.”

Anders drew Fenris onto his lap and held him close, whispering words of comfort.

“I’m sorry my love. I should have told you about everything much sooner, but I was terrified. I’m just so glad I know I won’t have to heed the Calling now.” Anders said with a kiss to Fenris’ cheek. “To answer your earlier question, if I still had the taint, I’d have less than twenty years, at the most. I took the Joining about twelve years ago.”

“I am relieved. I suppose I owe Justice an apology for doubting his purity of spirit all those years,” Fenris said sincerely. “I was dreaming of growing old and grey with you, Amatus.”

“You’re already beyond grey, my love,” Anders smirked, stroking the elf’s snow white hair.

“Don’t remind me!” Fenris chuckled, before pulling his beloved in for a tender kiss.

# Epilogue

After their precedent setting wedding, Anders and Fenris remained at Skyhold. They felt at home there and the people felt like family. The years passed and others followed in their footsteps. Dorian and Cullen were one of the next couples to wed at Skyhold, with Anders and Fenris standing proudly as groomsmen. Everyone by then knew the story of how their wedding had sparked the romance between the ex-templar and the Tevinter mage.

**_Home_** _(Philip Phillips)_  
_Hold on to me as we go_  
_As we roll down this unfamiliar road_  
_And although this wave is stringing us along_  
_Just know you're not alone_  
_'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home_  
_Settle down, it'll all be clear_  
_Don't pay no mind to the demons_  
_They fill you with fear_  
_The trouble—it might drag you down_  
_If you get lost, you can always be found_  
_Just know you're not alone_  
_'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ends this adventure of dear Anders and Fenris. Thanks to everyone who has enjoyed this story. I will go back now and finish my other series and complete Revenge of the Wolf.


End file.
